✓ fatal || yang jungwon

047

my last letter
to Ji, no one other than the love of my life,

I've been writing too many now. Piles of letters have started to form on your grave.
If they find out it was me, I'm sure they will forbid me from visiting you in the future.

And of course, I can't let that happen. Never.
So I think, it's time to let go..
It's been 10 months after all.
10 months without you.
10 months. Without life. Just pain. And tears. And sorrow and grief.

You see, I never thought of you selfish, Ji. 
I understand that it became too much for you to handle.
that you wanted to stay asleep for a little longer.
you were constantly hurting after all.
I just wish that within the time we spent together you were able to feel at ease even if it's just a little bit.

I'm just sad
sad, because I will never see you smile again
you won't ever get angry at me again
or annoyed
irritated.
You will never go see the Northern lights
with me.
It was your dream.
I can never kiss you again
Hold you or
make you understand how much I love you.

And that is something I really don't understand.
How can l̶i̶f̶e̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶s̶o̶ ̶c̶r̶u̶e̶l̶    
it be
that with all the love I have for you,
I can't just simply love you back to life...?
Is my love, no, our love not enough?
Did we love not right?
I don't understand. It's not fair.

Ji, did I ever tell you?
When I chose to love you,
I chose to love your bad days.
Your tears and pain.
Your fears.
I chose to love your beautiful self that you liked to call broken ever so often.

I wanted to love you the way you deserved to be loved.
I wanted to kiss away your tears, pain
and fears
your scars and frowns.

can I ask you something? 
why didn't you let me? were you scared?
did I perhaps scare you?
did my love scare you away?
I told you, didn't I?
Love is not scary.
My love isn't painful. And your love isn't either.
Was the love you had for me not enough to convince you to stay? W̶a̶s̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶e̶v̶e̶r̶ ̶a̶n̶y̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e—

Was it not worth it?
There are so many questions and it hurts me to know that all of them will remain unanswered.

I often like to imagine you are now at a better place.
a place where happiness isn't far.
that you live on a deserted island that is far, far away
from me.
a place with everything you need to be happy
with a dog
or a cat,
maybe both?
and that a bird always flys by to drop off your groceries.

woncat is fine, she's with me.
she has started to eat again.
Thank god
For a moment I thought she wanted to follow you.
To wherever you are.
I didn't want to lose her too, she's the only thing I have left
and the only thing that reminds me of our time together.

I hope that wherever you are
you are happy and free.

If only you passed some of that pain to me,
If only you didn't have to bear those burdens alone...
I wonder,
would you still be by my side?

Promise me, we will meet each other again
under better and happier circumstances,

I can assure you,
I will fall in love with you all over again.

It will be so easy. L̶i̶k̶e̶ ̶b̶r̶e̶a̶t̶h̶i̶n̶g̶.

And I will make sure you will fall in love with me too.
Let me show you how awesome I can be.

I will count every star that crosses my path
and give you my brightest smile
from down here,
so don't forget to return my smile from time to time.

Otherwise, you know, how embarrassed I get.

I won't blame you, Ji, I would want you to rest.

PS. Give me a sign. A sign to keep going. I have been following your to-do list diligently. Because it's you, I've done them all. Except for the last one. I don't think I could ever fall for anyone that isn't you.

Are you insane? Take another person to see the auroras when it was the one thing we promised to each other? The auroras will always be yours.
I will always be yours.

I love you,
more than you could ever think.

Yours, always

Jungwon

:¨·.·¨:
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