Is That What You Wanted? (Ao no Exorcist )

~ Chapter 1 ~

TW: Mentions of self-harm

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After the incident with Amaimon attacking Rin and the others at the camp, everyone had been so distant.

Rin was now in class thinking while staring at his textbook for over half an hour.

Why does everyone hate me?
What did I even do wrong? I just saved them! How can they treat me like that?
Oh, I know! Because they're scared, I'm just a monster. I don't belong here, they don't seem to like me at all, oh where had I seen that before...
Yukio is mad at me too though. I mean, he knows I'm half a demon. It's not something new to him. I don't get it, how can he be so harsh on me? I just wanted to protect him and the others, I had no other choice! Heck if anyone should be mad, that would be me! I was kept in the dark my whole life. Is it because he thinks I'm useless? Is it because I am THAT irritating?
What did I ever do to him...Like I wanted to be the son of Satan.
What did I ever do to deserve all of this?

'' Okamura!!! '' Yukio said loudly, I was too focused on my thoughts to give attention to his lessons. '' Sorry, I had little sleep yesterday...'' I said. It's not a lie, after all, I couldn't stop overthinking the whole situation and what others must be thinking about me.

Monster

Demon

Weirdo

Sometimes I just wish I didn't exist, well, it's not like I couldn't... NO! NOT AGAIN, I shouldn't be thinking things like that. What is wrong with me? Why can't I control myself and my thoughts? So weak...

The bell rings and Rin is heading to the dorms. As he was walking, Yukio approached him,

'' Rin, we need to talk '' Yukio said with an upset look on his face ''Sure, what is it? '' I wonder what he is going to yell at me again... '' Rin you need to stop sleeping in class and start studying more! Your grades are awful, do you think you can have a future with those grades? Focus! '' Yukio said, he wasn't wrong but... ''Well I am trying to improve them but after everything... I want to do better you know! '' Rin said while avoiding eye contact '' Well, then try HARDER! You can't just go on like that and neglect your studies! After all, it was your choice to be an exorcist'' I knew it! Like he will never understand! ''... '' I gave him the cold shoulder and turned around to go to the dorms.

In the past few days, he didn't even ask if I'm okay, I don't think he even cares!... even the only family I have hates me! Am I that horrible? Am I that much of an idiot? I can't, I just can't! I can't feel that way all the time. I just want to get away from everything...OR EVEN BETTER YET DIE... Even Yukio wants this, RIGHT!? He even said it to my fucking face. I'm sick of overthinking. I even stopped eating much because of my anxiety and I became so skinny. He didn't even notice my ribs showing or worse he just went about his day like he always does! 

Rin's eyes started to water at this point, he stood up and grabbed his box cutter and head off to the bathroom. As he got in, he checked if someone was there and started to make long and small lines on his arms with salty tears falling on them. After a little while, Rin snapped out of it. A little bit of blood managed to escape his arms but it was enough to make a mess.

'' Not again... I promised not to... '' he said with his whole body shaking from his actions '' I need to hide the scars, I cannot let others see my arms like that... '' Rin opened the medical box they had in the bathroom, grabbed the bandages and wrapped them around his arms '' I had one job to control myself and I failed. After so many years and I gave in to that temptation...''I have to hide everything, if Yukio finds out he is just going to yell at me and I am not in the mood for any of that drama. I'm sick of his voice going on and on without stopping.

It's now afternoon and I haven't eaten anything yet. After that whole fiasco, Yukio wants me to study harder. How am I gonna do this if I'm not mentally stable? I have the constant urge to puke and let everything my stomach contains out, but no, I have to study harder! studying for hours makes me sick! If only I could just have some more time to myself, even just a little!