The Nature of Change

Where No Stars Shine (Andy 08)

I can't sleep.

It's these fucking wings, and I'm not exhausted like I was last night, I notice. I'm not exhausted enough to ignore them, and they're permanently attached to my back, unlike my blanket from... before.

I roll over for about the hundred billionth time, landing on my back and flopping my legs and arms to either side. I heave in a big breath of air, open my eyes, and give a powerful sighing exhale. UUUUUGGGHHHH. LET ME SLEEP DAMMIT.

<Can't sleep?> a voice in my head whispers. It's Aurora over the mindlink.

"Yeah," I grumble aloud.

I hear rustling below me, and remember I need to use the mindlink.

<Yeah,> I repeat, directing my thoughts at Aurora's voice.

She lets out a mental sigh. <Me neither. No thanks to your mindlinking ability.>

I cock my head in mild offense.

<No hard feelings, sorry. Your singing was good the other night.>

I let out a little chuckle. <Thanks.>

She sighs. <Well if we're both awake...>

<Sure. Never been much for talking, so don't expect much.>

<Fair, me neither.>

<Yep.>

<So what did you do before... this?>

<Ugh,> I think to her, raising one arm to scratch my back in a gesture of uncertainty. <Well I was in highschool, right, gunning for something in like... space engineering, right. I...>

Everything slams to reality.

Six months away from home.

Six MONTHS.

University has started, and I'm going to be an entire year behind when I get out of this. And stuck in this weirdass dragonet morph. Something feels strange about the word "body," and I don't want to think of it like that. It has a sense of permanence that isn't right-

<You do realize you're mindlinking all that, right?>

<Ahhhhhh shit.>

Aurora laughs. <It takes some getting used to.>

<Yeeeeep.>

<Yeah.>

Silence for a bit.

What to ask, what to ask, how do I keep the conversation going...

A thought comes to me. <How about you?>

<Eh, same as you, except I was looking at chemical engineering with a side of space.> I can feel her smile through the mindlink; it's a strange sensation, a blossoming of warmth in my cheeks that's unmistakable for anything but what it is. <A year ahead, 'cause they let me take courses for university while in highschool as part of Dual Enrollment.>

<WHAT!? I never had anything like that!> I expel, suddenly indignant at the loss of opportunity.

<Yep.> She sighs. <All that hope and progress is gone now...>

<Ugh. How long've you been in here?>
<About four months.>

<So you woke up two months after I was taken. Huh.>

<I guess.>

I sigh. Again.

<A language of sighs, huh?>

I shrug. <'Suppose so, eh?>

She nods.

<I mean, how can they do something so wrong? Like they're taking us, what do they gain? Couldn't they just ask for volunteers? Like seriously, you can't justify ripping people from their old lives and... doing this to them.>

<Yep. Y'know what the worst part is?>

<Hm?>

<Well I overheard the scientists talking one day, and they're like... They're specifically targeting people with promising futures, because they're looking for people who'll have a better survival rate, and they think intellect or athleticism will help.>

My brain shorts for a second as I process this.

<Whu->

<Yep.>

<No.>

Silence.

A seething rage suddenly builds within me, a primal hatred for lost opportunities born out of a young life full of regret. I try to fight it down, but... No. Nobody who can bring themselves to tear someone's ambitions and future away from them deserves to live.

<How can they have the conscience to do it? How do they not understand how wrong it is? You're stealing not just people's lives, but like... their ambitions, everything they ever hoped and dreamed. Oh, what I'm gonna do to them...> My thoughts' direction drifts away from Aurora, and to the sheer violence within my heart. <I'll fucking RIP THEIR HEARTS OUT! I'LL TEAR THEM LIMB FROM LIMB, MAKE THEM FEEL THE PAIN THEY'VE DELIVERED THESE PEOPLE!> The violence slowly shifts into anguish as it builds, but it doesn't stop. <I WILL KILL THEM WITH MY BARE FUCKING HANDS! THEY WILL KNOW PAIN!>

<... You okay?>

Something in her words flips a switch, strikes a tone I've never heard before.

I stop.

I... hold back.

My entire life, everyone who asks that, I've just told them that I'm fine. Deep down, I've known that I'm not, but I've concealed it behind a mask of okay-ness, and went about my life. My parents never let me show feeling; it was always "do what you have to do regardless of how you feel," but now...

My anger suddenly vanishes, replaced with... something else.

<... no.>

I get the ghostly sensation of a hand on my shoulder through the mindlink.

<If you need anyone, I'm here,> she says solemnly.

A tear comes to my eye unbidden.

I open my mouth instinctively to answer, but my throat is choked up.

I pull in a breath. It shudders.

The tears start to flow.

<I- what- where?!? Why? No no no stop...>

What she's just said, is that now I have someone who cares. I don't have to hide how I'm feeling anymore, because it matters to someone other than me. I had no idea how much I needed that, for somebody else to care, until right this second.

Somewhere within me, a dam breaks, cascading into a massive failure across the whole facade of an intact emotional state as all the bad memories swamp across me like a grand tsunami.

For the first time in living memory, I truly cry.