The Everlasting Effect

Chapter Fourteen: Denara

The last few weeks flew by in an instant. Honestly, it feels surreal. I feel like I'm living the life I was supposed to live, but with the current factors like Rhys to remember. It feels like a glimpse of what could've been and I can't decide if that heart heart-wrenching or if I should be grateful for a moment.

I'm enjoying every moment that I have with Arawn. The past ignited and returned to us in a split second that caught us off guard. Part of me wants that again and that thin line that separates my reality from my emotion of wants is very dangerous. Unconsciously, I somehow drift from goals and motives to keep away from him and I get pulled into his life.

Against all odds. My heart wants to leap out of my chest and run a marathon when I see him. I guess it never stopped and after all this time, I can't deny the truth and say that it was for the better because my plan never worked out. I wanted him to move on and be the artist I know he is. Be the change and make the right decision for everyone, not hold him back and later resent us for it. He's going to be livid about the truth. He keeps his mouth shut about Danny for now, but sooner or later, he's going to be asking questions.

My failed marriage.

I don't know what I'll say then. I was unhappy in my marriage even though I had everything, a person who loved my daughter and me unconditionally even though he was burdened with the task. More than enough money flowed to buy anything we wanted or go anywhere. A business that was inherited, but in return I had to sacrifice my happiness. I guess you can. I had everything that anyone had always wanted, but I didn't want it.

I felt suffocated in my relationship with Danny, burdened even. It would have been anyone's dream come true, but it was a lot to go through. Nothing was okay and everything was a meltdown. Grasping at straws until now, that is. At times, I felt and still feel selfish for ruining Rhys' chance at a happy and loving home. Instead, she ended a family similar to the wanted I had. Selfish, but I couldn't do that and go through the process again.

I guess you can. I wasn't there for a long time. I was only a fragment of myself, and when Rhys was born, it only got worse. I was just a physical being with no soul. I hated myself for the longest time and struggled with everything. I couldn't be the mother she needed, I couldn't bond with Rhys at all, and worse is that every sound made or life in general made me irritated and annoyed. It broke my heart every time I witnessed Jamie and Danny take care of and bond with our daughter, and we couldn't even be a part of it if I wanted to. I tried so hard, but nothing worked for the longest time until finally when she was two, and started my shit together.

I would attend and give her parties, but it was doctored to be a happy family. Danny and I fought all the time. I was a bad mother and my best friend had to take my place as a mother to Rhys. The pressure of everything and the consequences of lying to Arawn were eating at me.

My world was a shadow and crumbling when I finally started overcoming my depression. I had to change everything, especially my behavior and dynamic, to something that would show that I'm sorry for being a deadbeat mom and that she's the center of my world. I'll always be grateful to Jamie and Danny for everything and a large part of my gratitude to Danny because no person will put up with the amount of crap I put him through.

Arawn has started working at the Casino, Chase too. I see him everywhere now. I'm still deciding on whether it's a nightmare or the start of something beautiful and fulfilling. I can't allow myself to get close to him again, especially because there's so much to consider and at stake. My heart and body have other ideas though, because I always navigate towards him or vice versa. It's a bad habit that can't be stopped.

The weeks leading up to everything had been hard, especially when starting a new job, but I'll admit that I'm impressed that Arawn has been able to handle everything so swiftly. Talking to dozens of people, ranging from clients to staff. Dealing with drunk people who are over their heads and downright awful until you have to call security. Basically, everything that I've seen has to do with the job and sometimes even going the extra mile. Handles everything with a smile, well fake smile, although I admit I expected a lot more drama and hostility.