SHun

Conclusion

From this moment, as of today, I can see three options for me. I can't make any promises or guarantees for the future, because even when I know what the right choices history has proven that decisions I make are not always in my best interest. Statistically, they RARELY are.
Option one would be to get out of jail and return to a life consumed by drugs and alcohol. If I were to do this, I am confident I will be dead in a short amount of time. Whether I took my life with or without intention, I have been spared from the grips of hell too many times. At some point my misery will end.
Option two would be to thrive under the pressure of failure and punishment and put together a few more years of hard work and progression. This plan is not fool proof. It has failed me before. Well, I feel maybe four. I had my reservations. I had my negativity. I gave up. It did, however, prove to me that I do have the potential and intelligence for a brighter future. For some reason, adversity has a way of bringing out the best of an individual. For me, it still amazes me at what I have deemed adverse and at what I have deemed priority, time and time again.
Option three would be to finally let go of all my rage, regrets, and resentments. Option three would have me grow as a person emotionally and spiritually. Option three would allow me to except my last chance at redemption. Option three would have me except the fact that I am not where I could be, but that at least I am not where I was. Option three would stop allowing my past to dictate my future. Sounds easy, right? In reality, option three, isn't even an option at all. I mean it sounds good, but who am I kidding. I don't believe myself to be capable of any of what option three has to offer. No matter how bad I want or need it. It's not my decision. It never is.
Often I've asked myself if I could change my past, would I? For the longest time my answer was no. No, because if I change my past then I wouldn't be the person I am today. The funny thing is, I've never liked myself. I've liked some of the cars I've drove. Have like some the girls I've been with. Have liked some of the friends I've had. Have like some of the jobs I've had. I've liked some of the things that I have done. But nowhere in there have I ever liked myself. Today, I asked myself the same question. If I could turn back the hands of time, would I? I want to say absolutely. I want to say I hate myself. I want to say I hate what I've become I want to say I hate the way I feel when I wake up in the morning. I want to say I hate the flashbacks I have every night. I want to say I hate the pain I've caused some important people in my life. I want to say I hate the pain I carry on my conscious every day. I want to say I hate the fact that I don't have what I want because I've thrown it all away. I want to say I hate to look in the mirror because I can't stand the person I see. I want to say if I had the chance I would do it all differently. I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to be me.
Only I can change the end of my story. Most of the time though, I tell myself it's already too late.

This is by far not a complete history of my life. Much of my past has been erased either intentionally or negligently. These are a few of the stories that stand out. This is just a glimpse of the moments that made me, me. This is just a glimpse of the moments that destroyed, me.