Perfect Ninety

-7

I'm walking with Ryan to my mom's car, trying to talk with him about what happened this morning because he had avoided me the entire day. We are walking in the building. In the hallway. Holding hands--but he still won't talk to me. 

"Ryan," I mumble barely audible, especially due to the crazed kids running down around the school like it was their last day of school ever.  "Ryan," I speak louder and look at him in the eyes. "Why have you not been talking to me?"

He has waited for me after every class but has not spoken a word to me. 

Ryan glances at me and smirks and then states, "Don't worry about it, it's my fault, I guess."

I sigh, louder than I expected, roll my eyes and say, "No, it's not your fault. You just feel things on a deeper level then some people. I should not have, um, what's the word...yelled, I guess, at you but I was, um, um, really tired. I'm sorry."

Without truly acknowledging my reply, he grips my hand tighter and I can see him smiling from the corner of my eye.

Everything is resolved. My boyfriend is going to sit in the backseat of my mom's car happy with me as she drives me to gymnastics and him home. Everything is resolved. Me and my boyfriend didn't even have an actual fight and I have to apologize. Everything is resolved. I'm trying to be the person I've wanted to be since I was younger while impressing everybody else. Everything is resolved. 

I look down at my phone just as it vibrates and I glance quickly at Ryan to see if he's even paying attention. He's just sitting beside me, staring glassy-eyed at the back of my mom's head as she asks standard mom questions: How was your day? What was for lunch? Did you pay your library fee? Do you have any homework? Of course I ignore the questions and let Ryan handle them

"Well, Mrs Bryan, my day was splendid..." Ryan answered.

I opened the text notification on my phone Ugh, it's from Julia, what is she going to complain about now? 

Julia: omg, Anna, big problem I told Stan that I like him but he didn't say anythign back

I begin to type

Julia: *anything

Me: um, that sucks, I guess but u never want to talk about my problems...?

What problems did I have? Nothing worth mentioning. I was just sick of always having to talk to her about her. I just want to piss her off. I'd say anything to change the subject--not like anybody is interested in what I have to say.

Julia: YOU ALWAYS HAVE A WAY OF TURING THINGS ON YOU DONT U? U KNO I HAVE PROBlems of my own roght now, thought youd understand

There were so many grammatical errors in that one text message, I decided not to reply. Besides, texts were supposed to make messages shorter not cause bigger problems. Analyzing the differences between ily  and  I love you  or bye  or goodbye [insert emoji] [insert emoji] . I wasn't trying to overshadow her problems but she doesn't seem to have any real issues. Well that was incredibly superficial of me. I begin to glance out of the window and wonder about every choice I've made so far in life and how it's led me up to now. It's not that everybody else's problems are insignificant, I just never have anybody to even care that I have a problem. They expect me to be this ideal, happy teenager, grateful for life...and maybe I'm not and I'm ready for somebody to acknowledge that. 

"Yes, Ryan, of course you can come to Anna's meet on Saturday, there are scouts from a really famous gym coming to watch and I hope they choose Anna, " my mom explains.

Of course you do. Of course they will.

Everything is resolved.