Too Much To Hide || EDITING

c.39

      The day I arrived back at home, the skies were a shade of bright blue, without any sign of a dark cloud. It firmly contradicted how I felt; having a dark cloud follow me throughout my journey. It didn't make things easier when I got down and fished out the house key adorned with too many hanging chains to unlock the door I first met Adrian behind, thinking he was some murderer.

      Of course, nothing had changed since the both of us came here to collect some of my clothing and any other necessities I needed. The pillows were messed around, the picture frames on my cupboard turned to complement the angles, and in the kitchen, the mug Adrian used for his disgusting coffee. All these; they registered in my mind as soon as I arrived back at home.

      It's been a full week since then. Mom called me a few days ago to confirm that she'll be coming down tomorrow. For some reason, once she conveyed her good news, I had gone on a full cleaning spree and now, the house is spotless. Except for the disarray of the couch cushions whenever I sit down to watch TV. Today, I woke up early than usual because my best friend, Jessica came down from Canada yesterday and has arranged a meet up with all of our old friends from Uni. When I first got her call, it almost made me forget the state I am in. Almost.

      Back in my ordinary bathtub, I stand and let the waterfall rinse off the last of the soap suds from my skin before twisting the knob shut. Clinging an arm to myself and holding onto the handle propped up against the wall, one foot goes out before the other follows, landing in the fluffy carpet. Taking my towel, I scrunch up my hair into the material and once it's dry enough, it goes around my chest. Once it covers my body, a strange gurgling builds up in my stomach, making me queasy all of a sudden. This is why I don't skip meals; last evening, I forgot dinner and fell asleep while writing one of my novels. Even if it's one meal, my whole system messes up.

      Ignoring its continuous gurgles, I wander over to the sink and grab my toothbrush to let it rinse under the tap for a few seconds. Relentless, my stomach punches against my skin and I have to double over to try and relieve the pain but nothing works. My face scrunched up in pain, a rush runs up my throat and before I know it, I vomit into the ceramic, coughing and spluttering to get the acids out. My chest heaves and my shoulders tremble as my fingers tighten around the sink bowl for support. It goes on for a while before calming, letting my senses go back to normal. Once the series is done, I immediately wash out the scratchy taste from my mouth and stare at myself in the mirror.

      Earlier, my face was pale and stricken but after barfing half my guts out, my cheeks regain its usual reddish pink colour and my lips don't look ashen. Blinking at my reflection, I bring a hand to my stomach; the gurgling lingers but only so I can't feel it anymore. I test out my temperature by bringing a hand to my forehead; I'm fine. It has been a very long while since my guts decided to propel itself out my mouth like this. Maybe even years. A shudder runs down my spine; I'm never missing a meal again.

      Thankfully, the rest of my morning rituals weren't disrupted by anymore sudden vomits or chokes so once they're completed quickly, my outfit for the day pops in the full-body mirror in my room. I'm not a dress person but ever since wearing that velvet gown to Adrian's event, I promised myself I'd try on more frocks. Especially since it's summer, wearing long shirts and jeans would be a heat wave by itself. A beautiful, sleeveless dress wraps around my neck and hugs my upper body before flowing out into the skirt that reaches the bottom of my knees. Its shocking pink colour contrast with my pale skin and to complete the look, I wear my birthday sandals. A gift from Adrian.

      Jessica has asked all of us to meet up at a buzzing café that's only a few blocks down from my house so, putting my sandals to good use, I walk down the sun kissed pavement, trying to force a skip into my step. I've been trying so hard to make life go back to normal, for it to be how it was before James ever arrived on my doorstep, but it's proving to be a challenge, even after a week of being away. Adrian constantly visits me in my dreams, wearing that wide eyed look of adoration on his face and it's been giving me sleepless nights. The urge to call or text him has been unbearable but I vowed I wouldn't—despite what Portia said, I need to move on. For his sake and mine.