Head in The Clouds

Fear and Pain

Tw: child abuse , mentions of sexual abuse of a minor

Vanessa, age nine
I was born in the country of Argentina. My father was from the county of Laos. My mom was from a small village here in Argentina. I lived with them until I was five. When I was seven, my mom and dad died, at least, that is what the nuns at the orphanage have told me.
I am now nine and I am still in a orphanage. It is not fun seeing the other little kids get taken and get other families.  I am watching, as another toddler is taken to their new family.
"Vanessa, come here girl!"
Jumping, I am drawn back to reality. I run, greet her, and follow.
"That head is always in the clouds. There is someone here to meet you child. You will be respectful."
"Yes sister Juliann."
I am taken to a room a strange man and woman. They are speaking English, but I don't understand most of what they are saying.
They get down on my level and smile. They do say one thing I understand.
"Hello Vanessa."
I give a polite smile. The strange woman takes my hand. She says a few words and then I pick up the word "Mom and Dad."
I look to Sister Mary for translation.
"They want to adopt you child."
I smile at them, excited. The woman pulls me into a hug. She squeezes me a little tighter than comfortable, but I allow it, excitedly to finally have a mom and dad again. Sister Juliann tells me to run and pack my stuff. I run down the hall, grab my bear, blanket, my other outfit, and my necklace from my Mamí, and her picture.

Vanessa age 10
One year later, I am living in a city called New York. I am forced to take care of their youngest daughter and clean for the Amy and Jake, the people who adopted me. They have two other kids, and one other adopted kid. His name is Usnavi. He is 12.  He says he was adopted when he was five. The other two are their, real children, as they call it. They only adopted Alex and I to take care of the other children. 
The first year has been scary. The first week I was here, they hit me for the first time. I still don't know exactly why they hit me. I know they wanted something of me, but I didn't speak English. I still don't speak it very well, but I Usnavi is helping me. Usnavi and I like to speak Spanish to each other, but in secret. If we get caught, we are punished. He didn't remember Spanish very well from when he was little, so we are teaching each other our languages.
"Vanessa! Get down here now!" Amy yells.
"Yes ma'am?" I say, running down the hall.
"Go get Lucy and get her dressed. She needs her diaper changed and a bottle."
"Yes ma'am."
I go in and pick up the little girl. She was born six months after Jake and Amy brought me here.
"Hi baby, did you have a good nap?" I ask her smiling. She looks up at me and grins. I change her diaper, and sit in the chair to feed her. I start singing her a song my Mamí used to sing to me when I was a baby.
"What are you doing girl?" Jake says, walking in the room.
"Umm... just feeding Lucy sir."
"Were you speaking Spanish?"
"No sir, I..."
"My office, when you are done."
"Yes sir," I say, looking down at Lucy, who is, unfortunately, half done. I know nothing good is waiting for me.
Fifteen minutes later, I take Lucy to her walker, and walk into Jakes office.
"Sir?" I say, shaking inside.
"Were you speaking that filthy language to my daughter?"
"I was just...."
I feel a sting in my mouth. My eyes water and I instantly get the familiar metallic taste in my mouth. I have been punched in the mouth enough times to know when my lip is busted.
"Never speak Spanish to my daughter again. You are lucky we decided to bring you here. If we hadn't, you would still be in that run down shack they called an orphanage."
"Yes sir..." I say with a lisp. That is when I notice my front two teeth are now missing. I start to cry from the pain in my mouth. He grabs me by my hair, and drags me into my room up in the attic.
"You stay here until I come for you."
I crawl to my bed on the floor. I grab my blanket and teddy, and cry. I wish I was still in Argentina. At least there, I didn't get punched.
I hear him lock the door behind him.

I am crying on my bed, which is just a cushion on the ground, when I hear a slight tapping on the boards between Usnavi's room and mine. The only thing that separates our room, are a few boards with some gaps between them.
"Vanessa, what happened?" He ask.
"I'm fine Navi. Leave me alone."
"Did he do it again. Did he hit you?"
"Leave it Usnavi. If you try anything, he will kill you."
I feel him reach through the boards and he takes my hand.
"Look at me Nessa. I promise you, one day I am going to get you out of this house. You won't have to live in fear of Jake or Amy any more."
I turn to him. "I hate it here. I miss my Mamí."
"I didn't know you remember her."
"I don't, not really. I remember her singing to me. That is about all."
"Will you sing her song to me."
"Later."
"Okay."
He squeezes my hand and holds it.

A little while later, after I am calm, we are talking. He starts to giggle a little.
"What's so funny?"
"You have a lisp now. Don't worry, it will go away when your teeth grown back. Luckily, I am pretty sure you only lost your baby teeth."
I laugh a little, feeling better about everything.
"I do sound funny."
We giggle until I hear my door unlocking.
"Get away from the wall," I whisper. He quickly moves and pretends to be asleep.
This late at night, it can only be one person, Matthew. Matthew is the oldest son. He is fifteen. He comes in almost every night. He has since I first came.
"Please , not tonight. My mouth hurts tonight."
"Oh? I guess tonight is the night we try something new. I had planned on waiting until you were ten. That is only a couple of months away. I guess we will try it early."
The look on his face makes my blood run cold. I shake as he come closer.

Later, I am curled up on my bed, crying. It hurts in between my legs and I am pretty sure I am bleeding. I smell the blood.
"Vanessa?" Usnavi whispers. "Shh, I am here Vanessa. I am right here."
Usnavi reaches in and takes my hand. I flinch a little, but he holds tight, talking to me in Spanish.
"Can I sing you a Lullaby my Abuela used to sing to me before I came here?"
I nod. "Yes."
"Okay, let me think for a moment. I need to change a word or two."
He sings me the most beautiful song. I fall asleep shortly after, crying, and holding Usnavi's hand.