summer rain || jegulus + jily ✔️

6 ~ jumbles of hurt

Chapter 6

Regulus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "A few things before I begin my tangent. One: don't mention this —" he swept a hand from his head to his toes to indicate his disheveled appearance— "or you'll find something very unpleasant in your dormitory tonight. I haven't decided what yet. The more you annoy me, the worse it'll get," he said casually. As if he had enough energy to slum through the Gryffindor common room through a broken window. As if his promises held actual meaning and weren't just com(promising) playthings to keep his enemies at bay. 

Remus caught his eye and smiled a little, either because he knew the threat was empty or because he'd be ready to launch a barrage of expertly executed attacks back if it wasn't. Perhaps both. Regulus didn't know why, but he smiled back.

Sirius seemed mortified and horrified. "Reg—"

"Two: don't interrupt me."

"But you just—"

"We'll be here for hours," Peter muttered, half to himself. Then he said, "Sirius, stop. You interrupted my chess game and Remus' reading session for this, so it better be good. At least something punishable enough that James will stop touching and then accidentally murdering my plants. James, what did you do to make Sirius' brother angry? Should I be making an alibi right now? Excluding myself from the scene? Getting popcorn? I'll do all of that. Muggles have popcorn machines, right? I'll just steal one."

Regulus noticed Peter hadn't addressed him throughout his ramble, but he shot him a wry smile anyway. "I like you. Yes, they have popcorn machines. I'll steal one for you. And don't worry, he did something genuinely sinful. So. Three: I'm very gay, homosexual, whatever you want to call it. It's essential to the story, otherwise I wouldn't be telling you this."

Sirius careened back. "You? Gay? You wouldn't have—sorry, I suppose I can't judge. That is just so far from your—the perfect image you've constructed."

Regulus laughed the way someone pity-laughs at a joke that isn't funny.

Remus scoffed. "You suppose you can't judge?" He turned to Regulus. "Yeah, by the way, we're all queer here. Our whole friend group is queer, some in more ways than one. Sorry, continue." He appreciated Remus being the one stable person to ground them so they weren't floating away with their balloon heads. Regulus had been pulled out of the ground. He'd been cut free of love. He was rootless and he was ruthless and he regretted nothing and he regretted everything

"I agree and relate to all of that." He sighed again. Dorcas once joked that the only time he breathed was to sigh. "Okay, this requires some backstory. Don't interrupt me while I'm telling it. After that, I'll get out of your way."

"But—"

"Later, Sirius," he said without looking at his brother. "I promise. I've been here for too long already." Indeed, his feet were getting light and his head heavy. The juxtaposition made him sick.

Sirius nodded and pursed his lips disappointedly.

"Over the summer, James and I...hung out. Illicitly, you could say. I don't know exactly how that happened or what shifted. I only know that one second he was driving me away in his old car and the next I couldn't walk away if I wanted to. I...assumed...we were together, but I don't know what he was thinking. 

"Sirius, before you say anything, I would have worked it out with you. I would have made sure you approved, and shown you that I was being genuine. If our relationship was better, maybe you could have gotten me out of that house," he said. Candor or lack of moderation, he didn't know. Writers—influencers of words—were not meant to be confined.

"None of that can happen now. I know you're wondering, Sirius, how you could've possibly missed the fact that your best friend and your estranged brother were going off in secret. I'm guessing it's because on the days James was with me, he told you he was with Lily. I don't know when he was actually with Lily."

Regulus watched Sirius turn his head toward James like a possessed puppet.

Before there could be silence for the other Marauders to process and decipher, James blurted, "I'm sorry, Regulus! I—I'm sorry, and you don't need to forgive me. It was the worst thing I've ever done. I can make it up to you somehow."

"Can you, James? How do you plan to do that?"

James made a lot of soundless noise and gestures with his hands, all his eloquence vanishing. Pin the blame on the scapegoat. Pin the tail on the fucking donkey. No matter; this was what it looked like to catch someone in the act.

It killed him that James looked like he was anticipating forgiveness.

Fucking people and being fucking inarticulate.

"So...you were with Lily but you needed someone else on the side? Someone more fun? Exciting? And you chose my little brother? You've been chasing after Lily for five years and dating her for two. I thought she was your 'one true love', what happened to that? You swept Reg away until he couldn't walk away if he wanted to, then went back to Hogwarts and Lily and stomped all over his heart? What is wrong with you?" Sirius exploded, seething. Nobody held him back.

Then all the energy seemed to escape his body at once, like a spirit billowing away from its victim. He slumped back against Remus. Remus threaded his fingers through Sirius' hair carefully as if he'd done it many times before. Even after Regulus' upsetting reveal, Remus focused solely on comforting Sirius. Devotion. Romantic, most likely.

Regulus' brain very briefly registered Sirius' relationship and happiness that his older brother had found someone, but the thought was given as much weight as a butterfly kiss before it glided from his mind space. He was so absurdly occupied watching James try and fail to excuse his behavior. James was in shambles: begging, catching Regulus' eye. Regulus glared.

He couldn't look back on the now fever-dream-like summer; it was off-limits, especially in the twisty labyrinth of his mind. He couldn't yearn for the tang of salty air when he knew most of it had been a lie. The memories were filled to the brim with poison, and he hadn't developed immunity yet. He needed to learn to let things go and do it quickly.

Regulus' entire system went numb. His feet hadn't left the ground, but his legs were so light and weak, detached from his body. He felt like a mournful ghost locked out of reality. How late was it? A ghost haunting the same already-haunted house, pacing the staircases, calling until it had no voice left. Right where he'd been left.

He'd never been so intensely filled with dread.

He saw tinges of that fear reflected in Sirius' face. He watched Sirius watch James—his non-blood brother—fumble. A few years ago, Sirius had hinged all his trust on James and never looked back. Regulus wondered if the trust remained.

The part of him that had sought out vengeance was somewhat satisfied. He'd dethroned James from the center of the universe and unveiled his true intentions to his best friends. That part was, of course, fully overpowered by everything else.

Regulus waited and waited more for a plausible explanation to fall out of James' mouth even though he knew it never would.

Then he was off, dried tears and flyaway curls at night as he departed from the Gryffindor Tower. Nobody stopped him from going or called him back.

I solved the problem, he thought dully as he walked away from the bridges he'd burnt.