It's Not Love...Or Is It?

Part 4 of 5

School started and she was in the class. Our first issue was in three weeks. So was Homecoming. I had a plan. A well thought out plan – probably my mistake.

I wanted to wait until there was a week till the dance. Then I'd "casually" mention the dance. I'd ask her if she was going. I knew the answer. Then hopefully she'd ask if I was going. Then I'd so no, and follow that up with a "Hey, did you want to go together?" Very casual like.

I knew the exact date I wanted to ask her. The Monday a week until the dance. It took me about a week and a half to come up with this plan. Yes, you read that correctly. I took my time, I wanted to get this perfect.

But of course things never go out the same way you want or excruciatingly plan.

That Monday I wanted to ask her, she was absent. Turns out she got the flu. The fucking flu. She wouldn't come back until Thursday. I could have snapchatted her the question because we talk there everyday, but she deserves something more than just a text. She deserves a question like this to be asked in person. So I waited until Thursday.

She came back and we were sitting in the publications room with other members: Jack; a writer who I'm pretty sure is gay; Melanie; a photographer who doesn't do much, maybe even less than K; and David; a photographer who is openly gay.

I had a plan to ask her on our walk out of the class to lunch. I wasn't ready, but I was as ready as I could have been.

Class was nearing the end and I was nervous as all hell. My stomach was churning, I couldn't sit still. I even began to sweat a little. Then a bombshell was dropped about three minutes before class ended.

David asked if that was her dress (I was so nervous I had tuned out everything about the conversation but hearing this brought me back). She said yes. I had no idea what this meant. Then Jack asked what color so he knows what tie. Then I knew. I had blown it. Jack, who I would later figure out is bi, had beat me to the punch. I found out he texted her. He fucking texted her. My whole idea was to avoid that because she deserves better. And I was right.

I was so pissed at Jack.. But I couldn't say anything because I was too slow. This was my own fault. I didn't hold it against him. At the time I did, but he helped me get a job so we're good now, I guess. But mainly because I couldn't blame him for doing what he did; this was my fault.

So the paper came out that Friday and I went home instead of making final plans with K. I ended up sitting at home doing nothing, trying not to think about what I was missing. But that was hard. I ended up thinking about nothing but that. Sitting alone and thinking about this, however, I just had a gut feeling the next week would be an impactful week. I don't know but something was telling me something big is going to happen. And I was right, but I wish I wasn't.

I usually walk with her after the Gazette class ended and lunch started. I'd walk her to the commons and she'd leave to go to the bathroom once we get there. I sat with my friends and so did she.

That Monday I was holding onto that walk. The walk in which I was going to ask her. I actually hated that path. It was a constant reminder of my dumbass-ness; my chance and I blew it. But I was walking it with her, so it made everything better.

Remember my prediction? Well it almost didn't come true. It was Thursday and I began to think the week wouldn't be as impactful as I thought. But of course life continues to kick you in the balls

The bell rang for lunch that Thursday and I was prepared to walk her to lunch. To my surprise, a senior named Logan (he was a photographer on staff last semester, but not how they met) was standing there waiting for her. Logan ended up walking all the way with us. Even after we usually split once we get there he followed her. I felt like the third wheel.

Then Friday, a couple kids on staff were talking about her and him. Missed opportunity #3. Maybe 4. Whatever, I blew it again, that's all you need to take away from this.

If you thought I was mad about not taking her to Homecoming, imagine walking out of class and seeing his face everyday. I couldn't go anywhere without seeing him. My anger, my hatred grew stronger and stronger each and every time I saw them holding hands or being in the general same area. This anger I felt was different than I've ever experienced before. But it actually got worse when I found out how they met: it was at Homecoming.

They were at the dance and he apparently said "she seems hot. I'll go talk to her." Fuck. I fucking hated that. She probably would have rejected him if he didn't live on her street. He too didn't notice her, except it was too late for me. Fuck.

Fucking shit. This is my fault. Logan has been known to be a player. Using girls and mistreating them. This wasn't a rumor. An ex of his, one of many, told everyone what he did to her a year earlier. I can't remember what he did or who his ex was, but I remember hearing it and wondering why she committed herself to a relationship he probably wasn't committed too.

Those four months they went out were complete shit for me. I was a mess. I was constantly thinking about what they were doing at a particular time. Constantly wondering if she knew what she was doing to me. I tried not to think about anything related to them, but I couldn't. She has some sort of spell on me. I can't not help thinking about her.