It's Not Love...Or Is It?

Part 5 of 5

I had brief moments of when I forgot about them. It was actually when I was talking to her. Just her and me talking by ourselves. There was a walk after lunch to sixth period when we walked and talked. It was great, except every great conversation we had was ruined when he was waiting for her at the end of a long hallway. The worst time of my day was seeing him, me having to turn around to go to class and leaving her with him. I hated that most of all. You can take my hatred for waiting too long, the whole relationship in general and add it and it wouldn't compare to the hatred I had for turning around and leaving her.

They only dated for the rest of the semester. They broke up during winter break. Why they did I don't know, but I couldn't care less. I was so happy she was available, but even more happy, even more relieved, that she got out of that toxic relationship. I still don't know who broke up with who, but I'm glad. I like to be K who broke it off but I don't know.

I would have asked her out but I didn't find out about the break up through her. She didn't tell me. I was hoping she would, but she never did. That told me that she wasn't ready for anything so soon. Understandable. Either that or she didn't like me like that, but I kept optimistic and thought of it as she wasn't ready.

Anyway, Christmas break was big for me. I didn't find out about the break until after we went back to school, but during that time her and I had the best conversations. Not in person however. We texted a lot. She sent me funny videos on Instagram. We even started a Snapchat streak that still exists today. I think it's up to 1XX now.

I've been falling for her and I can't help it. But there's a small part of me that believes I'm building all this up in my head.

I like to watch TV. A lot of TV. I've seen so many shows. Maybe too many to count. And all of those shows I thought was based on family or friends, but it's not.

The relationship I have with my dad is not a good one, he doesn't know that though. My mom keeps saying he did something but she won't tell me what it was. She just says she'll tell me when I'm older. I think he cheated on her when she has under chemotherapy but she won't tell me. Anyway, because of this, and the fact that he doesn't have the balls to make it work so he sleeps in the fucking basement, I have no respect for him.

For a while a couple years ago all I ever wanted was a dad I can do dad/son things with. We used to, but ever since the separation and my knowledge of the secret, I can't do those things and look at him the same way

So when I started watching Boy Meets World, I thought my subconscious wanted me to watch because of how much of a great dad Allen is. Or how a Feeny is a great father figure.

When finished with the show, I began to want a best friend like Shawn. It made me realize I don't have a close best friend like Corey did.

Same with How I Met Your Mother. I thought it was because I longed for a tight-knit group of friends that to crazy stupid things and have fun. And of course I felt the same way watching The Office. A group of close people who are also friends outside of the office. But as of recent, I've figured out my personal experiences have nothing to do with this and all the in-between-the-lines clues point back to one thing: love.

Corey had Topanga. Ted had Robin. Jim had Pam.

That was it. I wanted to love. This may sound lame but I came across this app about posting a signficant other problem and others will reply with help. So I did and explained my situation. There's a girl, the only girl I've talked to for so long. When I see her my day brightens and my spirits are lifted. I look forward to our conversations everyday. I have this feeling for her that I've never felt for anyone else before, but I'm only 16. Am I in love or delusional.

After reading the reply, I began to think about the shows. That's when I came to the love realization of the shows. The reply said because she's the only girl I've talked to, I don't have a reference point to compare my feelings for her to. It also said I wasn't delusional, but I maybe I wasn't in love because again she's the only one I've talked to for so long.

I did even more thinking and figured that maybe not the only thing. I remembered I have a playlist that contains Frank Sinatra, Elvis love songs, Beatles love songs. Almost every song on that playlist retains to love. I watch these shows and listen to this music because I want that love, and that's it. I want to be in love. I'm in love with the idea of being in love.

But I actually do, genuinely do care for Karina. When I talk to her, I'm not thinking about possibly being in love. I'm thinking about what I'm going to say next or what can I do that will make her laugh or smile at least.

Currently she's single. It's the end of the school year and she doesn't seem to be looking for anything considering she's decided to go to college in New York after next year. I'd be lying if I say I haven't thought of asking her out, but I too am not looking for something big.

I'm trying to get into Ball State so what's the point of risking what we have. I'm not one of those guys that have to get laid before they go to college, and I don't think of K as a girl I want to bang. I think of her as someone I want to talk to everyday. Someone who's laugh I want to hear everyday. Someone who I want to go places to with. Someone to see things with.

The more I think of all the stuff I want to do with her, the more I can't shake this "in love with being in love" thing.

It's pretty late and I really should get to sleep. How can I make her laugh tomorrow?