Going Nowhere Fast

9. Questions

I tried to keep my face hidden from Scarlet. I didn't want her to see me having a meltdown. It always took a good amount of time for me to calm down after the choir boys were bought up. I just couldn't tell her. I couldn't do that to Brian either. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had outed him again. My life would be over if he found out I was the one who told. I was pretty sure not even Lester knew Brian's secret.

What happened with him was something I never wanted to think about. It only ever made me feel extremely depressed both for him and myself. It didn't help that Rose asked that question. Scarlet must've thought that I hated her, or she was glad I responded the way I did because she hated me. I wasn't sure which was worse.

"I'm going to hit the hay," Scarlet said as she got up from the couch. "The couch is all yours."

"Thanks," I whispered.

"What was that back there?" She asked, catching me off guard. "You seemed really uncomfortable, which I get because it was, but then you didn't say anything at all ever since. Are you that uncomfortable with me?"

"No, I, um," I said trailing off, "I'm just always in a constant state of uncomfortable," I said plastering a grin on my face followed by a small giggle. I always turned to humor if I felt people were getting too close to figuring me out.

Scarlet gave me a look of understanding, "Alright," she said leaving the room, "Goodnight."

--

The couch was surprisingly comfortable. Aunt Rose had everything in the house super comfy; there was no seat that didn't look completely inviting.

As my eyes started to close, thoughts from my day started appearing over and over again playing on loop as vivid as if I were watching a movie in my head.

I thought about my mom. Did she miss me? Was she worried? Did I do something she'll never forgive me for? Tears started to drip down my cheeks into my ears. I couldn't believe the situation I found myself in. I wondered how Scarlet seemed so confident with everything. Was she not as totally scared shittless? Grant it, I had one of the best days of my life. Rose even allowed Mipsy to sleep on the couch with me so that I wouldn't miss Karen as much.

Oh my God, Karen. She was the only thing I had to look forward to going home. I turned on my side and Mipsy came up and laid her body next to my chest. It was amazing how well dogs just knew when you needed them without having to say anything.

The hardest part about all of my problems was admitting their existence in the first place. My mom always spoke poorly about the mentally ill. She thought we should all be in asylums, so I never told her about anything. Riley and Elijah sort of understood me. They probably would've never guessed how many times I'd almost killed myself. I didn't want them to know either. I didn't like when anyone worried about me. It just made me feel like more of a burden than I already did.

I wish I bought some weed with me. I didn't want to risk anything especially crossing the border. I wasn't going to put Scarlet in that kind of position. It just took me forever to fall asleep.

---

I laid awake for a few more hours. I looked at the clock and it was almost two in the morning. I had just been lying on the couch next to a sleeping Mipsy. She was a cute little Yorkie. Rose had even put a bow on the top of her head.

All of the sudden I started hearing footsteps coming from the floor above me. Why would Scarlet or Rose be up at this time?

After about five minutes of shuffling, I watched Rose creep down the stairs, staring at me. I wasn't sure what was going on or what was about to happen, but she was definitely coming over to me.