Discovering myself (18+)

42. In a twisted dinner

Saying I'm confused is an understatement. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore. My brain is capable of thinking about something one minute and decide the complete opposite on the next one. And it is all about Andrew.

Why can't I concentrate on something else? I have decided about it already. Yes, I have resolved that I will focus on my studies, on soccer, on finding an internship, and on studying in France. I have several things ongoing so why can't I simply forget about him?

I could at least decide what I should do about this fling thing, but no.

One minute my brain decides this kind of relationship is not for me, and that maybe, maybe there is a miss understanding, or I should at least step up and clarify things. Ask for explanations, if he said he doesn't do dates, what the hell was he doing in one?

Then the next minute it shifts things around completely, thinking a fling is exactly what I need, a no-strings-attached relationship, instead of a real one. Not risking me doing stupid things, as forsaking on going to France again. Why would we get serious if I'm intending to leave anyway? I should spend at least a year there, and I intend to fully enjoy it, have the full experience and for that, I should be single.

So why push things? What a conversation with him would bring me?

My so rational brain brings two options:

One: he tells me that he wasn't on a date, we settle things. Except me bringing the subject only means I want something more, which he is probably not up for it. It would drive us to end things because of different expectations. Or what if he wants it? Would I

get serious with him? Risking giving up on everything again?

Two: he was on a date... And I grimace only imagining for a minute him confirming the fact. I can't...

I prize things in a certain way, planned, I need to know my next step, I hate being unprepared, not knowing what I would do next, not having the control. It is what disturbs me the most in this

relationship with him. I have no control. Zero. It eats my insides, and yet I can't stop wanting him.

I know him for a couple of months and I'm already in this shameful state. I quite understand Dani now and why she was desperate because things were going outside her comfort zone. I'm totally outside my comfort zone, my comfort zone is so distant it looks like a dot from where I'm standing. And I don't fucking know the way back, worst my body doesn't seem to want to return to it because, obviously, there is no Andrew inside of it.

He is not allowed in it. His ego wouldn't fit.

I giggle at the idea that in one year I won't remember him anymore, I will be in France, probably around Montmartre drinking a coffee and watching some cute French guys speaking French. Better, I will be speaking French with some cute French guy, probably considering staying there for good.

Why am I stressing about it? Back to your priorities Kelsey...

I swear I searched everywhere for a good internship, every company Liam has told me about and every company Mr. Google told me about, but nothing seems to interest me. Am I too picky?

At least my college research is good, I found a college in Paris close to Luxembourg garden, and their Master's catches my eye instantly. I know this is the one, exactly what I'm looking for. It is simply too perfect. I hope I will get accepted. Every college required a certain level in the French language, so I start my application for a test.

"Hey," Dani spy inside my room while I type, "I haven't seen you around."

"Hey," I give her a sheepish smile, I miss her, last week I have barely seen her.