Call me kitten (boyxboy love) ✓

32. Blast from the past

That tiny sliver of resistance I had left when it got to keeping my worry at bay disappeared in a heartbeat and I went dead cold inside. Of course, I knew that Ash had a past, but now when the past was standing just feet away it became very real to me. And the sudden onset of jealousy welled up inside me like black tar. This wasn't some kind of misunderstanding like it had been with Florian, this was a real thing that had happened. I felt utterly childish feeling like this, but I couldn't bring myself not to.

"Oh," I said. "So why does he act like he doesn't know you?"

"Don't know," Ash said slowly. "Maybe because he doesn't wanna face the fact of what happened."

To my horror I saw that Keith was now walking towards us. My cousin seemed occupied elsewhere and my stomach knotted. Ash's eyes were unfathomable as he looked at Keith. I tried a friendly smile at Keith, but he ignored me completely.

"I didn't think you were still in town," Keith said as he arrived. "You said you got a job somewhere else."

"That fell through," Ash said, and for some reason let go of my hand. "Why did you act like you didn't even know me before?"

"I thought you just liked older guys," Keith sneered and ignored Ash's question, scanning me up and down. "But now I see that you lied about that too."

I wanted Ash to say something annihilating, something that made Keith shut up and walk away, but he didn't. Something was going on between them I and I wasn't a part of it in the slightest, and I felt more and more uneasy.

"Keith, you're overreacting," Ash said in a low voice. "I never said–,"

"So I'm overreacting?" Keith interrupted. "You fucking ghosted me, don't even try to deny it."

Then he turned on his heels and walked away. I sighed in relief and turned to Ash. But he just stood there watching as Keith trudged through the crowd and my relief was short-lived. He grabbed my arm.

"I need to speak to him, Jamie, ok?" he said and there was a weird impatience in his tone. "Can you keep away for a while? I'll find you later, I promise."

I could trust him. I should trust him. He had never let me down, so I had no reason to think that anything would happen. I pushed the feeling of pure terror far down inside me and nodded. He kissed me fleetingly on the cheek and hurried after Keith.

There was no reason for me to disbelieve him. He was even the one who had uttered the word boyfriend first. I kept that as a mantra in my head as I went searching for my sister on the veranda, to have someone to talk to or at least stand next to. It was only natural that Ash wanted to speak some sense into that guy Keith, there was nothing else to it. My sister hugged me when I came up to her.

"Just imagine it, my baby brother has finally found someone!" she gushed, and I guessed that she too was rather drunk.

"Do you know Cora's boyfriend, Keith?" I asked as neutral as I could manage.

She looked at me with glossy eyes and shrugged.

"Nope, just said hello to him," she replied. "But Cora said it was pretty new, just like you and Ash. Apparently, she's over the moon, so that's good. They seem cute together. But not like you and Ash, you're the cutest couple here."

She hugged me again and I let her do it. I just needed someone to confirm that what Ash and I had was good, right and I shouldn't worry.

But when thirty minutes had passed, I couldn't keep my thoughts in place anymore. What was it that they needed to talk about for so long? Or had Ash walked down to the cabin and was waiting for me there? I needed to dull my mind, so I snatched up a bottle of wine standing on a table and went down towards the lake. If he was there waiting for me, we could split the bottle. Several people started to make their way home, except those of my relatives that were spending the night at the big house, and I said goodbye to some of them.

When I reached the cabin, it was empty and quiet. No sign of Ash. And when I turned on the lights inside, I saw his phone on the table next to the bed. Had he left it there so he wouldn't be disturbed? I was to keep away; those were his exact words. That apparently meant his phone too. Desperately I took a deep swig of the bottle and grimaced. I didn't like the knowledge that Ash was somewhere out there with an ex of his. And Keith had said that Ash usually went for older guys. Those words stuck in my heart like thorns, and they started to hurt so much that I thought I was going crazy.

I exited the cabin and sat down on the small bench outside, overlooking the lake. The water was calm and pitch black and the sky was full of stars. I could have sat here with Ash, but I didn't. Instead, he was together with his stupid ex talking, and I was here alone. My imagination went into overdrive. I drank several large gulps of wine in an effort to stop it, not caring how bad it tasted, but the images danced before my eyes anyway.

Images of Ash trying to talk to Keith, but instead they started to feel each other up against a tree. How they tried to be quiet so they wouldn't raise suspicion. Was Ash dominating Keith? Did Keith like it? Had he liked it? Or was it Keith who was in charge?

Stop thinking. Stop it. Please.

My head spun because of the wine, but I didn't care anymore. What reason was there for me to sit here and wait? Apparently, Ash thought Keith was more important, so why should I wait here like a damn puppy? Despair slowly turned into anger the more time went by and when the bottle was half-empty, I was so furious that I got up to try and find them. But then I saw a dark figure coming down the slope towards the lake. It was Ash. 

When he got up to me, he gave me a weary smile. But I didn't see the smile. What I saw was the faint blush on his cheeks. The tie that hung loose. His shirt that was buttoned the wrong way and wasn't tucked inside his pants anymore. He didn't look that way when he left me before. My heart plunged into a black hole of pain and rage.

"Shit, sorry to keep you waiting," Ash said and tried to pull me into a hug, but I avoided him and went inside the cabin without a word.

I could hear him following me and as he closed the door I turned around.

"And what exactly took so damn long?" I said, not even trying to restrain my anger.

He looked at me in surprise, as if he had no idea why I was reacting this way.

"Not that easy to explain," he said with a sigh. "But it got... kinda more complicated than I thought."

"Complicated?" I hissed and the black hole inside me grew with his obvious reluctance to tell me the reason. "So that's how you explain it? Don't you think I can see that something happened? I can see it in your fucking face, I'm not that stupid! Or do you think I'm too young to understand?"

Something flashed in Ash's eyes, and he stared back at me.

"Just what the hell are you accusing me of? You gotta understand that I had a life before you, I don't owe it to you to tell you everything in my past, you need to grasp that I actually existed before you got to know me. You have some serious fucking trust issues, you know that?"

I was so riled up that I barely listened to what he was saying. I snatched up the collar from the nightstand and held it up in front of him.

"You come back here with your clothes all fucked up after seeing your ex, saying that it was complicated, and then you expect me to wear this? Does this collar even mean anything to you, or is it just a thing that you get off on?"

Without warning Ash took the collar from me, his eyes blazing, and he tried to grab around my shoulders. I ducked but lost my footing and he got his arms around me from behind and wrestled me down on my back on the floor. Desperately I fought to get him off me, but he was bigger and stronger, and he used his whole body to pin me down. Forcefully he secured the collar around my neck, despite my efforts to push away his hands.

"Let me make something crystal clear to you, this collar means everything to me," he said darkly and pressed his arm over my sternum and stared down at me. "Everything."