Written with Love

Merciless Love

Have you ever fallen so far in love with somebody you feel like you would die without them?

The kind of love that starts as a few glances during school but ends in total heartbreak?

The kind of hope that consumes you and takes over your life so much that you get to a point way too far down the line, that you're crying to yourself every night because you feel like if you tell anyone, they'll just say to "get over it."

The desperation that takes over when you see them flirting with other people, even though they're not yours?

The kind of passion that fills you in, not letting you catch one break from a relationship that you know will never work out because you also managed to make them hate you?

The since that tells you it's becoming toxic to continue, but you can't stop?

The desperation that fills you as you attempt to write a goodbye letter?

The kind of fear that takes over once you realize there will never be another?

No?

Well then, that's awkward.

***

It started in first grade.

I was in love with a boy named Jesper.

He always knew what would make me laugh or cry, depending on the day.

We grew up together.

We had the same family small group, had the same friends, told the same jokes. We were practically twins.

My feelings didn't become clear until about sixth grade, though.

The year he moved to my school.

It was perfect! One other girl and I were the only girls in our grade. I always beat him in P.E games. We sat together in our classes. We somehow managed to get our whole class detention. Life was paradise.

Then seventh grade happened.

He grew up and became more popular, and suddenly every girl wanted him.

But still, he chose to hang out with me. At lunch, he would tease all of my friends, make everyone feel like they were something.

But then he broke my heart.

He transferred to a different school.

He told stories of other girls he met in other places for two years while I just sat in the corner.

I never dared to hope that he would ever like me, but it still hurt like crazy.

But the thing that hurt me most wasn't that he moved on to other girls; it was that he started hating me.

It came out of nowhere; one day, he just stopped talking to me. Always acting above me somehow...and I believed it.

It broke me, messed me up. But not even my best friends knew.

Nobody could help me.

Eighth, ninth, and tenth grade were all terrible.

Those years were filled with a mix of loneliness, stress, anger, embarrassment, and loss of hope. My life was suffering.

It was beginning to become unhealthy. I had told my closest friends in eighth grade, but I still felt overwhelmed.

All I wished for was the ability to tell him myself, but I never did.

Every time I thought about it, I coward back.

My friends tried to comfort me, but there is only so far a simple "You are awesome" speech can go.