Tempus Fugit

Petrus 89

The night you disappeared from the organisation
I opened a bottle of Petrus 1989 to celebrate
That's how much,
I hate you.

But it seemed the world didn't want Dazai to be happy right now, he was dealt the wrong cards by God and all his happiness came tumbling down on January tenth.

He and Chuuya celebrated the new year together, drinking and dancing together to music, which then led to passionate sex and declaring how much they loved each other and that they'd never leave each other.

But Dazai couldn't stick to what he'd proudly promised amidst all the lovemaking because the worst day of his life came soon after.

******

"Dazai...there's something I want to say to you."

"No! Don't! You might still make it! No, you will make it! So don't talk like-"

"Listen. You told me that you might find a reason to live if you lived in a world full of violence and bloodshed. You won't find it. You must know that already. Whether you're on the side that kills people or the side that saves people nothing beyond what you expect will appear. Nothing will fill that lonely hole you have. You will wander the darkness for eternity."

"Odasaku... What should I do?"

"Be one the side that saves people, if both sides are the same, become a good man. Save the weak, and protect the orphans. Neither good nor evil means much to you, I know...but that'd make you at least a bit better.

"How do you know that for sure?"

"Of course, I know. I know better than anyone. Because... I am your friend."

"I see. I'll do that."

"People exist to save themselves, huh...how true..."

******

Dazai searched for clothing frantically, for anything that would be easy to wash and that would keep him warm in god knows what environments he'd have to face, as well as snaking some of Chuuya's clothing, it wouldn't fit him but it would be good to have it nonetheless.

He couldn't stop the tears from falling, he couldn't stop his heart from becoming an empty chasm, because he'd have to leave the life he'd built for himself and he'd have to rip Chuuya from it too, because he knew, with how loyal Chuuya was too him and the fact that they were dating, that if he asked Chuuya would immediately leave with him as soon as he asked.

Except that Dazai couldn't ask.

Because after Odasaku died he suddenly remembered the letter his older self had said to open and when he went to check the calendar, sure enough, it said January tenth of that year and Dazai just knew that his older self had written this for this specific moment.

******

Dear mini-me

I know you must be hurting right now, I did want to tell you, I did want to ask you to save him but I was told not to, for his sake and ours. I know that'll make you mad and that's fine but please think rationally about my next words, put aside your anger, and save it for later, when mini-chibi is safe.

I know that he told you to be on the good side and I agree. Even though some of what he told you wasn't all accurate, being on the good side will fill a void that you don't even know you have.

And I know that you and mini-chibi will have been dating by now and that you'll want to take him with you, but don't. Please, if you want to keep him safe, make him stay in the mafia, in any way you can.