Her Inner Strength

Dumb Attempt *Trigger Warning*

So, like I said on my 20th birthday I packed up all my stuff from that apartment while he was at work, took the dog and moved to Mama and Papa's house.

At the time I was working  at a care facility for special needs adults. There was a cul de sac of large beautiful houses. Each house was lettered. I worked in house C, which I learned was actually the house with the most challenging residents. Each house had roughly 7-8 residents, each with their own rooms.

In the house I worked in, There was one room downstairs with its own handicap accessible bathroom. Across the hall was the laundry room. There was a large open concept dining, kitchen living room space. This house even had an elevator. Upstairs, there was a landing with a couch and a tv. There were 7 bedrooms upstairs and except for one room having it's own bathroom, the other rooms had shared bathrooms in between them. Back to the reason there was a couch and tv upstairs, there was three baby monitors in the house because the resident upstairs with his own bedroom and bathroom had really bad seizures, so you had to listen through the baby monitor and if he had a seizure you had to run in his room and make sure he was safe and start timing his seizure and yell for someone to come help.

I drowned myself in work, college and going to the gym. I was always out and about and only really came back to Mama and Papa's to sleep. I mainly survived off of diet pills, mandarin oranges, Carnation instant breakfast mix and pre work out.
I became the "chef" of the house I worked in, so I ate what the residents ate too. I wasn't quite anorexic but I didn't eat the greatest.

This time in my life is somewhat of a blur so bare with me.
I started talking to the ex from high school. We were pretty much inseperable at that time but, we were just talking and not actually "in a relationship"
My first clue should have been how much he played with my emotions. But, I didn't blame him as I previously destroyed his trust.
We hung out in the same friend group that he had established. I became friends with the girls in that group. We spent a lot of time at the gym. I went to a couple house parties.
One girl in that friend group had me go cruising with the guy she was talking to and another one of their friends whom was her roommate at the time. The ex I was talking to at the time warned me and told me not to go around that guy but I didn't listen. So there we were, me driving and all four of us passing around a blunt.
The girl had me drop her and her guy off and I had to take her roommate back to their apartment, alone. By the time we finally got to the highway, I panicked because I realized I was way too high. He kept asking if I was gonna come in and chill for a while and I really didn't feel comfortable doing that but knew I wasn't safe to drive. So I told him I'd come in long enough to drink some water and come down before I left. He got all huffy and mad at that. So when we got to his house, I drank some water and excused myself to the bathroom.
I have no idea how long I was in the bathroom staring at myself in the mirror willing myself to sober up so I could go home and get out of this uncomfortable situation that I knew I shouldn't have put myself in. I was apparently in there long enough for him to knock loudly on the door and ask if I was good. Reluctantly I exited the bathroom and he was in his bed in the dark, and told me to come cuddle with him. I thought it harmless and as I was still not sobered up, I really felt like I didn't have another option. Hesitantly I laid next to him. That's when it got messy. He forced himself on me. I told him no. I said I was talking to someone and didn't wanna mess that chance up.
To preface this next part, I'd like to explain that at the time I was the skinniest I'd ever been, and I'm only 5'2". He, on the other hand, was approximately 6' something and at least 250 pounds. He used his size and strength over me to his advantage and every time I said no, he said, "you know if I wanted to I could just do it, right?" After my "no" went unheard, I realized I had two choices, either give in, or be forced to do it anyways.
As I said previously, he was loosely in the same friend circle since he was roommates with that girl. He told everyone that we had sex. Everyone knew I was talking/ unofficially dating my ex again. I went to the gym, not thinking anything of it and honestly, didn't even think of the event as rape. I just wanted to forget it ever even happened. Fat frickin chance. Everyone that knew me at the gym was acting weird. I told a girl I went to school with that was in the same group what was going on because prior to getting there, I got a nasty text from one of the girls in the group pretty much telling me how shitty of a person I was.
When he got to the gym, my ex texted me and said "Hey, come outside, we're going to go to Wal Mart." Which was normal for us so I didn't really think anything of it.
I had the girl I went to school with accompany me to the parking lot to meet him. When we got out there, he was standing outside of his car waiting for me and he said, "Do you want to drive my car?" I perked up and excitedly exclaimed "Sure!"
At that, the shit hit the fan. He screamed, "FUCK NO" and went off on me.
My friend stood there between us in horror. It was so bad, a stranger asked if I was okay and needed a ride to which he yelled at her and said "FUCK NO SHES FUCKING AROUND ON ME"
That night was a blur but I do know that I left the parking lot a sobbing, panicked mess. I called my mom the next day to tell her the whole story and she's the one who made me realize it was rape.
I canceled my gym membership there and went elsewhere. For months after that I avoided that parking lot because I'd have panic attacks any time I went near it.

And this, is where I spiraled even further.

Any time I was in dark times in my life, I would use sex as something to fill that void. So during this time, it's no surprise that I did in fact have multiple sexual encounters. Also, at this time, some of them I look back on and realize I didn't even want that. I was seeking attention any way I could get it and most of it wasn't even healthy attention.

I'm not gonna share every juicy detail.
I met a dude from Arkansas and went to dinner with him and his buddies. I didn't eat. Idk why, but, I didn't. His friend was hotter than him, my dude looked like a catfish. I didn't really wanna have sex with him but did it anyways because I was too scared to fight. For years after, he said I had the tightest grip ever. Probably because I wasn't comfortable and really didn't want to.
I went to college quite a distance away, I met a dude I never met in a hotel, I can't remember if it was Pennsylvania or West Virginia. He could have murdered me.
I had multiple sexual encounters at this time. I don't really know how many.
Then I met Cody. We had the same birthday but he was older. Apparently his ex was pregnant with his baby and she was according to him, a psycho. He said he had nothing to his name no clothes no nothing. So dumbass me, dropped $800 on this dude to buy him a whole new wardrobe. At one point he went psycho on me and said he watched my location and I was with my ex again. He was a felon and freshly out of prison. The first night I met him, we stayed out driving for 24 hours. His parents absolutely loved me and were hopeful I was good for him. But after everything I did for him, he ghosted me and went back to his pregnant ex. The night he "disappeared out of my life" I had enough, I grabbed the over the counter sleeping pills and downed the whole bottle. Stupidly. It didn't end my life, instead I "robotripped", puked and passed out. I woke up the next morning feeling terrible and had really bad dizzy spells, kinda like vertigo, all day at work. I never told anyone.