The Endgame ✔

Chapter Four

I spent Saturday in bed, dealing with a headache, a broken heart, and a tied stomach. I had to work but called in sick earlier which wasn't technically a lie. I felt bad, really bad, and ashamed.

I regretted everything from the previous night.

I was mad at myself, not at St. Claire. I was to blame, I was the one who had allowed everything to happen. St. Claire said he'd stopped if I felt uncomfortable, but I never asked him.

How could I do that? How could I have allowed St. Claire to do all of that to me?

I was in love with someone else. Despite what Jacob had said about our relationship, I still loved him. How could I have gone and given my body to someone else I didn't know? Heck, I didn't even like Graham after all the bullying he'd done to Jacob. One moment of vulnerability, and I was fraternizing with the enemy and letting him do unmentionable things to my body.

Delicious but shameful things.

Just thinking about that made me blush. I had tortured myself by replaying last night with St. Claire over and over again.

I wanted to forget everything, delete that night from my memory, and take it all back.

My only consolation was that last night didn't mean anything to St. Claire. I was one of St. Claire's endless one-night stands. One of the many girls he'd hooked up with. I was forgettable which meant, St. Claire wouldn't mention anything about last night to anyone.

Jacob wouldn't find out about my foolishness and moment of weakness and selfishness. I would be the only one hurt with the knowledge.

I knew it would hurt Jacob a lot if he knew I was canoodling with the guy who had been treating him inhumanely for the past three years. It was a betrayal. He broke up with me and I basically jumped to bed with his bully. Though it was never my plan at the beginning, I allowed it to occur.

After more torturous hours, I decided to read a book to distract myself. I couldn't focus, I kept thinking about Graham's hands and mouth. My body tightened in discomfort and heat.

Then, I moved on to Netflix. Surely Mr. Darcy would take my mind off things. I mean, he was Mr. Darcy, nothing more irresistible in this world.

That wasn't the case.

I wasn't paying any attention to the movie when my phone vibrated with a notification. It was from IG. When I opened the app, I frowned.

Graham St. Claire had sent a follow request.

I panicked. What did it mean? Did he follow every girl he hooked up with?

I was so confused, that I couldn't read his intentions. I almost texted Melissa to ask about it but refrained. I didn't want to explain to Melissa what had transgressed the night before. I didn't want anyone to know. It was my dirty secret to keep.

Besides, Melissa would applaud me. She wanted me to get drunk and hook up with someone to move on from Jacob. It didn't matter that I was ashamed of it.

Since I had no idea what to do with it, I didn't accept or decline St. Claire's request. I decided to check his profile but didn't find much. He had photos of football and foreign places. Apparently, he liked to travel a lot.

I wasn't done torturing myself though, I went to Jacob's profile and found he hadn't blocked me. Like a stalker, I checked his story and last posts. Nothing new. His latest photo was from the community service done by his church.

Nothing was amiss. It always felt as though Friday hadn't occurred and I was trapped in a nightmare.

For the hundredth time, I questioned what had changed between us to make Jacob want to break up with me.

***

On Sunday, I woke up and went down to the kitchen.

My mom was cooking, and she frowned when she sensed me and noticed I was still in my PJs.

"You're not going to the Community Center?" She asked.

Since Freshman year, I had volunteered each Sunday to collect supplies and clothes for the homeless, orphans, and kids in the system. I had never missed a day, until today.

Like a chicken, I was avoiding Jacob. I knew he would be there. An earthquake could be going on at this moment and he wouldn't miss community service. In fact, He would even work extra hours after the havoc left by the catastrophe.

After Friday night, I couldn't face him. My shame was palpable and visible on my face.

"I'm not feeling okay," I answered.

My mom's frown deepened as she studied me. "Are you sick?"

I didn't like to lie to my parents. I wasn't sick per se, but I didn't feel good at all. My head hurt from crying all day yesterday and I could barely move a muscle without feeling sore.

I nodded. "I have a headache."

I also felt dirty and had taken three showers, trying to scrap my skin off but nothing I did could erase Friday night. St. Claire's hands and kisses were imprinted on my skin like tattoos.

Mom walked to me and pressed her hand against my forehead. "You don't have a fever," She noticed. I must have looked disgraceful since her features softened. "Do you want me to cook you something?"

"Please," I said. "Can I eat in my room?"

"Of course, Hazel." I must have seriously looked awful if she was allowing this.

I smiled weakly at her, and she hushed me to my room, saying she'd take my breakfast up when it was ready. When she arrived with my pancakes, she scowled at me.

"Is something else going on?" She sauntered to my bed and placed the dish on my bed.

Tears began to leak from my eyes as I bit my lip. Nothing was fine.

I looked down, sniffing. "Jacob broke up with me."

"Oh no, Honey. When?"

"Friday." I wiped the tears off my cheeks.

Mom sat next to me and hugged me. "What happened?"

I shrugged in her arms. "I don't know," I confessed. "He didn't give me any reason. He said it was time to end things and that we had changed. I don't get it because I thought everything was okay. I don't see how we've changed."

After giving your trust, heart, and energy to a relationship for three years, you felt blindsided when it suddenly ended. You felt confused and guilty. I thought I knew Jacob, but I couldn't read his longing to break up with me. I felt cheated since he didn't want to try to fix it. If I were in his position, I would be fighting for our relationship.

Everything was exhausting and dizzying.

"I'm sorry to hear that. That guy loved you so much."

Her words broke me down as I cried in her arms. If he loved me so much, then why had he broken up with me without a fight? I was so confused.

"I'm sure you can talk again and make-up," Mom reassured me, but I didn't believe her.

For the rest of the day, I stayed holed up in my bedroom. I was scared of Monday and facing Graham and Jacob again.

Dread built in my stomach until I was sick, ready to puke.