The Fear Dissertation // A Jonathan Crane Dark Romance

21

"I want to try the fear toxin again, Doctor Crane."

He takes a breath. Sat behind his desk, finishing a letter before our session begins.

"I know, Sienna. But our new heart rate monitor hasn't arrived. As our supervisor of ethics, surely you can understand why we cannot proceed without it?"

I blink. "Doctor Crane, this is an asylum. I can find a heart rate monitor in half the rooms down the hall."

"I won't ask you to wait much longer, Sienna. I promise."

But I'm not having it. "This isn't about the heart rate monitor. What is it?"

He exhales, capping his pen. "There are certain milestones that must be reached, and when—"

"You think I'm too weak still, is that it?"

"I have never thought of you as weak."

"Then tell me." I meet his gaze. "I thought we trust one another. With our lives. Remember?"

An almost painful consternation flits across Doctor Crane's face. "Very well." He removes his glasses. "Before there can be rebirth, there must be a death."

He's looking at me with those intense blue eyes, his words hanging heavy in the air.

I try to decipher the meaning behind his words. "A death? Metaphorically, I hope."

A faint glint of amusement dances in his eyes. "The death of who you once were."

I swallow. "Doctor Crane, I'm just trying to get over my fear of scarecrows."

"I know. And you're very close."

A plan begins to form in my mind. I hesitate, feeling suddenly guilty. I don't want to betray his trust.

But I need to prove to him that I can handle this.

"Can you tell me more about the toxin itself?" I ask. "About the compounds?"

He blinks in surprise. "Of course. What is it you wish to know?"

"Well, I'm assuming there's agents in there designed to release adrenaline. But what else? You see, I'm really interested in the chemistry of it. From an academic perspective."

Jonathan's eyes light up. "You like chemistry?"

I didn't know it was possible to feel any guiltier, but seeing him get so excited has proved it. "I've been very interested lately," I lie. "I've actually been looking for some good books to read on the subject. Figure I may as well find ones relevant to our research."

He nods enthusiastically. "Of course. Let's see, I probably have a few you can borrow..."

My stomach clenches uneasily as he stands and crosses the room. But I can't back out now.

"Hmm... this one discusses the formulation of hallucinogenics; while not an exact transference of my own methodology, I believe you'll find it interesting... Here we have — What are you doing?"

His eyes lock onto mine. I'm stood behind his desk, my fingers on the clasps of his briefcase. The second it takes for him to respond, is a second too late.

I don't have time to peruse through the contents — my fingers scratch against cloths and canisters and nozzles until I find the inhaler, tightening my grip around it and throwing myself to the back of the room as Doctor Crane reaches me. I bring it to my mouth and administer the dose, turning away as Jonathan wraps his arms around me, grasping my hands with his own and trying to wrench the inhaler from me. We clatter to the ground, hitting the bookshelf and sending volumes falling all around us, on top of us. In my panic I push down again — and again. Accidentally administering a triple dose.