Love Yuh Bad

What Once Was

TRIGGER WARNING: GRIEF AND DEATH

**** The Next Day / Saturday, February 4th 2023 ****

Aunty Niki's / Nicole's POV

I like to spend my Saturdays at church with my church family.

Growing up my mother was a Baptist and my father was a Rastafarian, I decided to be an Adventist.

When I was a kid my father took me and my brothers and sisters traveling around Jamaica to help people who were in need.

I took so much from those trips at just a young age, many of the things I have kept with me to this day.

It was there that I found God.

During my darkest hours, God showed up the most for me, if I didn't know he was real before over these past few years I have learned that he definitely is.

Because of that, ah put on a piece ah prayer and worship today ah church.

Is like seh di devil juss ah try fi come between mi family, ah bare trials and tribulations deh pon mi and mi pickney dem.

From mi did a likkle girl, mi always have a good relationship wid God, and mi feel like seh mi need him more than ever now.

Almost 2 months since Shane come home, him will call here and there, but mi nuh see mi one bwoy pickney for weeks upon weeks now.

My two gyal pickney Keri-Anne and Abi ketch up inna war, Abi nuh sleep here bout one week now.

Is like seh di enemy ah come afta mi pickney dem, one by one.

As a mother you can only do so much to protect your children, before they even left my womb I prayed for their safety and guidance.

Now dem ton big people, an mi have no control over how dem waan live dem life.

As I walk through the house, the silence of every room starts to get to me.

At one point in my life, these rooms were always filled with the sounds of laughter and joy.

Know all I hear are my footsteps moving through the desolate hallways.

Mi miss Daniel....

Daniel woulda know weh fi do bout dem pickney yah.

Losing the love of my life 3 years ago was one of the worst things that could ever happen to me.

We used to talk about growing old together, sitting outside on the verenda wid our gray hair, complaining about how di time hot, and how young people these days don't know good music.

We built a life together here, 3 beautiful children, and this house that was now empty.

It felt as if all I had were these old ghosts that would follow me around, reminding me of what once was.

Ghost of the past, became ghosts of the present, who would soon become ghost of the future.

How can you run from something that is intrinsically a part of who you are?

Daniel was apart of who I once once, when I lost him, I also lost myself.

I met Daniel when I was 13 years old, at dat time Mama and Dada neve did waan any ah dem gyal pickney fi tek up nuh man.

"Always love yuh book more" my father used to tell us.

Mama and Dada had 9 children together, they had been together from whappy kill phillip.