The Truth

Part eleven

There are times that I would hope to survive, very rarely but there were times, mostly when I was with you. Life was getting tough very quickly, I almost suffocated in every room that didn't have a room with open windows. But I kept on fighting, I only did it for you, otherwise, my life would be long gone if I hadn't met you, the medication just made my life longer, it wasn't to make me better, it was just to keep me there longer.
"The world is not a wish-granting factory" - the fault in our stars
The time when I was having a conversation with Laura and Autumn and the words I was dreading to say to you and Evie came out, Laura heard it but I was never sure about Autumn, I told Laura not to tell anyone that I had lung cancer, because I had it since I was six like I said the medication grew my hair back and extended my life but I was never getting better, I never told you about me having cancer because, to be honest, it wasn't a big deal to me, I just wanted to go quietly. I didn't want the school staff to know because I didn't want to be treated differently, but mostly because I just wanted to have a quiet ending, and I knew if I told you then you would get upset and go tell a staff member because right then it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't like I was going keel over any second. I had 20 years left because of the medication.
I was suffering more than ever, and I didn't know why. My body just dipped, I couldn't walk very far without drastically losing my breath. When I always said to you I was dying, you thought I was being silly or dramatic, but I wasn't. I was trying to tell you without you knowing. When this all happened I didn't tell you because you were struggling with your mental health and I didn't want to make that worse, I wish there was something I could say that would just stop everything from hurting you, it made me feel useless that I wasn't able to do anything for you. It killed me when your mind made you feel so worthless.
Was the night before the 21st of December and it all happened, my worries had happened, I was rushed to hospital. They took all of my belongings that my mum had packed and put them somewhere I didn't know where they put them. My phone stayed at home, that was why I didn't reply to you until the evening. I was put in intensive care, once I was settled my mum went home and got my phone, and that was when I replied to you. I was in and out of hospital all week.
We came back to school on the third of January and I was not ready for it at all, I couldn't cope with my mum screaming at me. She always gets stressed about going back to work, but when she gets stressed she gets bolshy with me and I am just angry the whole time.
Nobody realises how hard some things are for me. Teachers always give me a hard time even though they damn well know what's happened in my past life.
I'm an alcoholic and drug addict, I think that just sums up the person who I am. A girl with a life that no one should experience, one without their father giving you two bullets in your body for your birthday, one where you don't have the memory of your father banging your head against the edge of the kitchen counter until you get a concussion. People think I've just had a hard time in my life, what they don't realise is that the abuse has', they only know about when my dad pinned me up to the fridge, nobody knows all of the stories.
I was hurt under the surface, like troubled water running cold. I started to get annoyed with people, when I struggled I tried to push people out of my life, and that's what I did. I tried to push you away, but you never left. I had to for your good, I wasn't trying to do it for myself, I was doing it for you, I'm a grenade. There's going to be a time where I just get out of control, I will hurt you. I don't want to hurt you but I will grow out of control. I'm going to die as it is. I still had not given you the promise ring yet, I got scared because when I die I don't want you to keep the promise, I wanted you to move on and find someone new, a person who made you truly happy and a person who made you laugh, a person who could all the things I couldn't do for you.