The night of the Meryton assembly is upon us—a gathering that has been the subject of much anticipation and, I must confess, a significant amount of my own reticence. As I make this entry, the echoes of laughter and music still resonate in my ears, a stark contrast to the silence that now surrounds me in my chambers.
The Meryton assembly—an event which, despite my own reservations, I attended at the insistence of Bingley. His enthusiasm for such occasions is, I must admit, contagious, though it does little to alter my own temperament towards them. In his words, it was to be a night of mirth and merriment, a chance to immerse ourselves in the local society. Yet, as I reflect upon the events of the evening, I find my sentiments decidedly mixed.
Upon our entrance, Bingley was immediately the focus of warm regards and genial welcomes. His amiable and unreserved nature endears him to all, and tonight was no exception. "Darcy," he said, his eyes alight with excitement, "is this not splendid? Such liveliness, such spirit!"
I could only offer a half-smile in response. "Indeed, Bingley, the company seems most... animated."
Charles, true to his nature, was the embodiment of amiability throughout the evening. His countenance, ever agreeable, and his manners, unaffected by the vanity that often plagues men of our standing, drew the admiration of many. It is no surprise that he found himself the object of considerable attention, his lively demeanor endearing him to the company. His sisters, Miss Bingley and Mrs. Hurst, carried themselves with the air of decided fashion that is their trademark, their presence commanding the room as they so deftly do.
Mr. Hurst, though less remarkable in his demeanor, conducted himself with the propriety expected of a gentleman of his standing.
I, however, seemed to have drawn the attention of the room not by any action of my own but by the mere fact of my estate and the fortune it entails. It is an aspect of my life I have come to accept, though it offers little in the way of genuine satisfaction. I was met with a curious mixture of admiration and scrutiny—the former due to the report of my income, which seemed to circulate with preternatural speed, and the latter borne of my own demeanor, which I am told can seem proud and aloof.
The gentlemen present pronounced their approval of my appearance, a sentiment echoed by the ladies, who deemed me handsomer than Bingley—a flattering yet ultimately superficial accolade. For half the evening, I was looked upon with great admiration, but as the night progressed, my reticence to engage in the revelry painted me in a less favourable light.
Bingley, ever the social butterfly, acquainted himself with all the principal people in the room. He danced every dance with a zeal that was commendable, lamenting only that the ball closed too early and speaking of hosting one himself at Netherfield. His amiable qualities spoke for themselves, and the contrast between us was not lost on the assembly.
I danced but twice—once with Mrs. Hurst and once with Miss Bingley, both obligatory gestures of politeness.
Charles, in his characteristic concern for my enjoyment, implored me to join in the dancing. His entreaties, though well-meaning, failed to sway me. The truth of the matter is that I find little enjoyment in a dance with a partner to whom I am not well-acquainted, and the thought of engaging with a lady for no other reason than the expectation of society is one I find insupportable.
It was during this conversation with Charles that I committed an error in judgment—one that, in hindsight, I deeply regret.
"Come, Darcy," he implored, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."
"I certainly shall not," I replied, my gaze sweeping over the crowd. "You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with."
Bingley, undeterred, pressed on. "I would not be so fastidious as you are," he cried, "for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."
"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room," I said, my attention briefly caught by the eldest Miss Bennet, who possessed a beauty that was acknowledged by all.
"Oh, she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."
Upon his insistent, I glanced at Miss Elizabeth Bennet. My words, though whispered in confidence to a friend, were callous and ungentlemanly.—though I knew not her name at the time—she had an air of spirited intelligence, but in that moment, goaded by Bingley's persistence and my own reluctance, I responded poorly. "She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I am in no humour at present to give consequence to young ladies who are slighted by other men. You had better return to your partner and enjoy her smiles, for you are wasting your time with me."
Bingley, heeding my words, returned to the dance, and I, with a sense of regret for my churlishness, withdrew to a quiet corner of the room. The rest of the evening was spent in observation rather than participation, my character thus decided by the assembly as haughty and unapproachable.
Yet, despite the evening's unfortunate turn, the Bennet family found reasons to rejoice. Mrs. Bennet watched with pride as her eldest daughter, Miss Jane Bennet, received the attentions of Charles and his sisters. The other Bennet sisters, too, found the evening to their satisfaction, with partners aplenty and the merriment that youth and vitality bring.
As for myself, I am left to reflect upon the events of the evening with a sense of disquiet. My pride, a constant companion, has once again proven to be a barrier between myself and the world. The assembly, meant to be an occasion of enjoyment, served as a reminder of the walls I have built around myself—walls that now seem more like a prison than protection.
It was only upon our return to Netherfield that I learned from Bingley the true extent of my folly. Miss Elizabeth had overheard my remarks and shared them with her friends. Her lively disposition found a source of mirth in my unintended slight, and I was left to ponder the repercussions of my pride.
Now, in the solitude of my chamber, I commit these thoughts to paper—a record of an evening fraught with social missteps and the humbling realization that I am perhaps not the man I aspire to be. The journey ahead, both literal and metaphorical, promises to be one of reflection and, I can only hope, personal growth.
Fitzwilliam Darcy
YOU ARE READING
The Lost Journals of Fitzwilliam Darcy
Historical Fiction"The Lost Journals of Fitzwilliam Darcy" is a retelling of Jane Austen's classic novel "Pride and Prejudice" from the perspective of the enigmatic Mr. Darcy. Presented as a series of detailed journal entries, the story chronicles Darcy's innermost t...
