Fuck you and the Horse you Rode in on

Coming to my senses

My heart is hurting. I cannot lie about that fact. But, as I sit here alone, my thoughts and feelings are starting to help me find my perspective on what actually happened. I was confused. I thought I was falling in love perhaps. How foolish I was. At the time, what I didn't know was that my attachment to you was just an infatuation. I saw an idealized fictional version of you. This version of you was kind, caring, and compassionate. This version seemed to be someone I could confide in, that truly understood me and where I was coming from. This version seemed like someone that really cared about me and wanted to get to know me. How sweet yet deadly delusions can be!

The reality though was something completely different. The reality was that you never were really interested in getting to know me. Perhaps you already thought that you already did know me, based on some far distant past version of me that you thought you observed. Perhaps you thought it would be easy to manipulate me until you have taken what you wanted. Perhaps You thought that I was just going to give you what you wanted and not expect anything in return. I'm not going to lie, perhaps it might have worked if I had allowed it go on any longer. Manipulation of another's weakness does that.

Fortunately, I came to my senses. I saw you for what you really are; a coward, a lying snake; a man refuses to admit to himself or others that he is truly unhappy with himself and his life. For only a coward manipulates. Only a coward tries to break someone down to make them dependent on them for their comfort. Only a coward plays games with another's head. Only a coward plays the victim when they are called out on their bullshit! Only a coward plays dumb about the actions they take and the effects they have on others. The lesson is painful, but I am fortunate to have not let this go any farther than it already has. I am fortunate that I saw you for what you truly are before it was too late.

I came to my senses. I realized that loving you would have been a path that only leads to my detriment. I can only imagine what my life would have been like if I acted on my feelings. I am truly fortunate to have been rescued by God from such a fate, for so many others are not so lucky. So many others have fallen into this trap and haven't been able to get out of it. The scary thing for me is that I knew their stories before this happened to me. I knew that there were so many before me who told themselves that they were special, that the man in their lives truly loved them. I knew the lies he would tell them as an outsider looking in. Naively I never believed that I would ever put myself in such a situation. I naively believed that I would never allow myself to become second best.. I told myself I would never settle for breadcrumbs.

Oh how naive I was. Fortunately for me though, I came to my senses and I was rescued from myself, perhaps supernaturally. I am finally coming to my senses. I will cry for a while and be broken for a while, but rest assured I will put myself back together. For I know that I am worth much more than second chair. I know I am worth more than the breadcrumbs you are offering me. The tears may still flow for a while but they will soon be dried. The feelings I have will eventually fade away and I will be stronger and better than before. You, however, will not be. I am sure you will find someone else who will take the bait instead of being honest with yourself. Only this time, she will not accept disgrace. She will come to her senses just as I have. She will see you for what you truly are.