I'm Still Ella (ft. Niall Horan)

Prologue - No More Fairy-tales

           The first year after I left for uni and I broke up with Niall, I missed him terribly. There were days (they always matched my period) when I hurt so much I would end up crying and hiding in my room, wondering if I did the right thing by cutting ties with him.

I would miss his smile, the way he looked at me, being in his arms and even mocking him. As I laid in bed, I would miss the warmth of his body and the comfort of being with him, that happiness that made me feel lighter and stronger in ways I had never experienced before.

I hid my pain and focused on my studies, I tried not talking about it. I started listening to only instrumental music or really old songs just not to accidentally stumble with one of One Direction's songs. I avoiding all celebrity related channels, or tabloids, just not to see his face.

I couldn't talk about him, not really. It hurt a lot.

However, at the same time, as the months passed by I realised I had done the right thing. I was still struggling to get rid of the hatred, to set free from the person I was to become the person I wanted to be. I wasn't ready for a relationship when I had so much to do, to love myself and learn to love and have a healthy state of mind.

The second year I was more assured I had done the right thing, I didn't cry for him although there were days when I missed him. Days when while waiting for the bus I would see an ad of their latest album, seeing his face and wondering how he was doing.

The way I missed him the second year was fonder instead of painful, it didn't hurt but it felt like a little hole in me that couldn't be filled, but wouldn't kill me.

Smiling and pretending I was doing fine wasn't fake anymore, I could actually talk about him and even tell others. By the second year I realised the difference between defining myself in terms of what I hate and defining myself in terms of what I like. I realised I couldn't love someone when I hated someone else so much it shaped me.

Breaking up with Niall back then had been the right thing to do, I knew it. I was sure of it.

The third year One Direction went on hiatus and it was all over the news, so I saw him even more but it didn't hurt that much, I was living my life and enjoying every second of it, even the super stressful parts. I made new friends and I could talk easily about my past, without regrets or pain.

The hiatus of the band was odd because instead of resting, they went solo. Niall released his own music and changed his image, and the little I saw of him always made me smile as he started to look less like a celebrity and more like a guy in love with music... a very Irish guy.

I had to accept seeing him with his natural brown hair did things to me back then, but it wasn't as if that would make me do the impossible to meet him again.

I listened to his music, I bought his singles and even considered going to his gigs, but thought better and changed my mind. The important thing was that I felt like I could be his fan now, and that made me realise I had moved on. I wasn't in love with him anymore, seeing his face didn't hurt and I wished him happiness in the most honest and purest way.

The fourth year I dated someone new for the first time. It lasted like a month before I just decided I didn't like him enough to make the effort. Plus, I couldn't stop comparing to how I felt when I was with Niall. This new guy didn't make me feel butterflies or even willing to be cheesy or anything.

A while later I gave dating another chance but it was the same. It was never truly exciting or fluttering, it was more a 'why not?' Sort of thing, so I figured it wasn't right either.

At the end of the fourth year I met someone new, an older guy, a psychologist. He made me laugh and enjoy my time, having fluttery feelings and the like. It was never like it was when I was with Niall, but that was probably because I wasn't a hormonal teenager anymore.

The fifth year I was still with Patrick, the psychologist. He was committed and I actually came to love him, in a different way, a more mature way. By that point I didn't even think of Niall anymore and when I saw him on the telly or listened to his song I didn't think of that summer love when I was eighteen, I just thought of the musician, finally able to separate the artist from my first love.

The sixth year I broke up with Patrick when he told me I was more focused on my internship than him, that he felt neglected and like I wasn't as serious as he was about our relationship. I told him I I had to focus on my studies because I wanted to graduate and become an excellent doctor, but as someone five years older, he wanted something more serious, more commitment and I wasn't ready for that. I was still in uni, for crying out loud.

He asked me to marry him and I couldn't do it. I couldn't picture myself a married woman when I wasn't even graduated, when there was so much I wanted to do. It felt suffocating, like it would tie me down because I felt Patrick's subtle ulterior motive: choose me, stay with me. I couldn't do that.

We broke up in bad terms, and I felt terrible for hurting a man that made happy and whom I loved. However, I knew he wasn't the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life, and certainly I was not ready to make such commitment.

The fact it wasn't that hard to get over him was further proof I made the right choice and he wasn't the right one for me. I don't know if there's a 'The One,' but I know Patrick wasn't the one I would stay with until the end.

So for the rest of my last year in uni, I focused on my studies and internship at the hospital, learning all I could from my seniors and graduated in time and as I wanted.

Six years after I decided to become my own hero and do things for myself, I finished one of the most crucial journey of my life.

In the seventh year, Charlie and I decided to do volunteer work in Rwanda and left for four months to work there and help as many people as we could. It was an experience to grow and see the cruelty of the world and human race first hand, realising how privileged we were and how much we Tok for granted. It gave me more determination to work harder to help everyone who needed a hand.

After coming back, Liv had her wedding with a great man and I was invited, obviously. I couldn't help her with the preparations, but I managed to be there for her wedding.

I never though I would meet Niall at the wedding, after seven years, when he didn't even cross my mind anymore, when I didn't even know if he kept making music or decided to retire. My life had changed so dramatically, I was finally starting to work to make a living when he had been doing that for years.

It was the most surprising thing to happen to me in seven years and in a matter of seconds I felt fluttery and flustered, like I did seven years ago. I felt again like a hormonal teenager, which surprised me because no one had done that to me in the many years we were apart.

Was it then something about Niall instead of something about age?

As I danced with him, realising we were in good terms and there wasn't hurt in any of us, I realised we were very different from the people we were back then, but it still felt familiar and warm, it still felt exciting and comfortable.

He was still the Niall I met at the centre, cheesy, cheerful and kind, but he wasn't famous anymore; I was still the independent Ella he met, but I was free, without resentment and ready to try again.

He is still Niall, and I'm still Ella.

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Wow... it's been so long since I wrote from Ella's POV. I missed her a lot. Did you miss her? Were you waiting for this story? Are you surprise? Glad? Disappointed? What? Do tell me in the comments and spread the word.

Remember, comments and votes keep this writer happy and motivated to write fast!

I'll see you all for the formal first chapter, quite soon.

Bel, xx