If

regret

Every physical thing related to him is only a reminder of disaster for Padmavati. His perfume always changes but there is a certain smell that doesn't change, since the day her back crashed into his chest between smoke and fire, his scent made a place for itself in her mind. He smelled like earth after rain, he smelled like death and rebirth, with war cries and victory roars, he sounded alive beyond words and he also sounded like he is the end of the world.

Her thick veil of hate never disappears from her sight when she looks at him, all she sees is a monster. But sometimes, maybe less than for a second, she sees the passion in him. How he loves the things he loves, truly and madly.

All that he is, made Padmavati think. Her mind was always on the edge of a cliff and every move he made was hell of a wind, messing with her balance.
She still doesn't understand the feeling she had this morning, when she saw Khilji hugging Mehrunisa, with that beautiful laughter. Maybe being a father will change him. It's hard to believe this is the first child of his, considering his famous desire for women. She finds herself wondering how many women he had been with, or if he ever loved one truly. Does he love Mehrunisa more, or her?

Padmavati wonders what their castle would look like if Ratan were alive. Would he celebrate the same way Khilji did? She would die to hear the same laugh from Ratan's voice, to see how his smile reaches his beautiful eyes, how happy he would be... She wonders if she would feel the same fear of losing her baby if her husband were there to wrap his arms around her. She never thought she could envy Mehrunisa about anything, especially about Khilji but there she is, thinking how lucky Mehrunisa is because she has someone to celebrate this new life with, while she has to keep it a secret.
If only, she thinks. Ratan, if only you were here.

***

She walks out of her room slowly, looking for the source of the smell that caused her nausea. Harem has a rectangular shape, where women can watch the hall from the balcony, while men has to dare to raise their heads to see them. She looks down to see the preparations still going on.
They started preparing right after breakfast, now the sun is about to set and they are still adding new dishes to the biggest table she had ever seen.
From the glass ceiling of the hall, last rays of the sun illuminates the palace, painting every wall in the colour of fire. It's so bright and living that it almost feels unreal, as light plays cruel games with Padmavati's eyes.
While the height of a chandelier is being adjusted, she sees Ratan's figure behind the candles' light.
The chain of the chandelier gets stuck somehow and between the maids' complaints, she hears Ratan's voice.
"My Queen?"
First she thinks it's a hallucination she would love to experience but then she sees him, her husband, looking at her from the counter balcony.
He is dressed in the same clothes when Padmavati dressed him the last time. He looks good and healthy, very much alive.
Padmavati is already in tears, smiling at the same time. Ratan smiles back, his smile reaching his eyes. Padmavati laughs as her tears keep flowing, feeling her insides bloom like roses with joy.
She gestures her stomach, and then brings her arms together like she's holding a baby. It takes a moment for Ratan to understand, but when he does, he quickly wipes his own tears of joy, chuckling lightly.
She steps away from the railing and proceeds to go near him, but he raises his hand, telling her to stop.
"I am already with you."
She looks at him, not understanding what he meant. He waves her good-bye and before she gets a chance to respond, he disappears into the lights.
Mehrunisa grabs Padmavati by her arm, shaking her back to reality.
"Padmavati!" Mehrunisa whisper yells. "What is wrong? Why are you crying?" She stays still, with her eyes wide open. Tears keep flowing and she whispers her gratefulness to the God.
"A prayer of mine was answered." She says calmly, turning back to Mehrunisa. "I'm happy."