This One's For You

Things I Wish I Could've Told Myself

Don't let him rile you up right before your world history exam, because you'll only be able to focus on how he moves his pencil when he's getting an answer wrong. Don't let his fingers graze the hole on your thigh in your jeans under the desk, because it's an apology to how he's treating you. That shouldn't have worked. Don't be someone's dirty little secret. Don't be his dirty little secret. When he pushes you down, get back up, and don't let him do it again. You will, but you shouldn't. I wish you knew how much more you deserved than the attention of a boy who was too ashamed to acknowledge you outside of closed doors. Don't think you're in love with him, because honey, you don't know what love is yet. Soon you'll be in the arms of someone who feels safe.

I wish I could tell you not to feel too safe with him. Because it's going to hurt like hell when he leaves you after promising he won't. He should've loved the way you danced and should've taken the time to memorize your coffee order. You might think it's not a big deal, but he should've been in love with the things he seemed most annoyed by. You'll drop ten pounds from not eating or sleeping and teaching yourself how to breathe again. Know in those moments, sweet girl, that God is holding onto you. You may not feel it, but He is.

There's going to be moments in your life where you take things too far, and you'll sit up at night wondering what you did to push him out. But darling you didn't do anything, and this isn't your fault. You'll regret giving so much of yourself to him, because you'll never get those pieces back. You gave him pieces that were only meant for someone who was truly going to last. You'll feel ashamed of your body for a while but don't let the bags under your eyes make you lose hope. Try to sleep. Grip your bible. Thank God you have a leather back bible, because it's perfect for holding. It's okay to hold it when all you can do is sob. If anyone sees the tear stains on the pages, tell them to mind their business, but for the most part people will understand. Learn ways to calm down after you wake up screaming or crying. You'll be okay. I know it feels like time is dragging, but that's only because you stopped eating. Eat a yogurt.

Never beg anyone to stay. When he begs you to stay, leave. You should've left the first time. You should've said no when he took your hand. You knew all the details and yet you should've known they were too good to be true. You'll find yourself wondering which parts were real. Honey, it's so much easier to convince yourself it was all lies. That way you don't look back on every memory and try to analyze if it was all a part of the plan. He'll be on his knees gripping onto you as he begs you to return to your future. You shouldn't have given in. Because now you're sitting on the floor in his shirt wondering if this pain will ever go away.

You'll miss the way his skin touched yours, but you'll miss yourself more. You'll have to make new friends and bleed out your unsocial tendencies. He'll stain your life like red wine that you can't get out with any of those Pinterest hacks. He's everywhere, and it'll hurt to not talk to someone who once meant the world to you. Your room will be covered in dusty memories, and sadly you can only pack the physical stuff. Don't burn them yet, but don't look at them either. Keep them in a box but know that we have to get rid of it soon.

You're going to need people to tell you that you need to eat, and you're going to be in so much pain that he will beg you to breathe even though every breath feels like knives in your soul. How low did we get to where people had to make us do things that come naturally? Hopefully he noticed that you look skinner, not only so he misses you but, so he sees the damage he's done over a short period of time. Apparently, your brokenness was worn on your sleeve as people say they've seen you miserable for a while now and ask why you've kept it a secret. One day you won't be afraid to talk about what he did to you. But don't forget the things you did to him too. Sure, what you did wasn't as bad. He never lost weight or suffered isolation but actually got a reward or two out of it. You'll comfort yourself in saying he's probably still in his own mental hell, and sometimes you'll wish he was dying like you were.

You'll think about all the times you saved his life and how selfish he must be to forget all that. She couldn't have him if you never saved him. If you never convinced him to put it down. No matter how mad you get, it wasn't a mistake. But know in the future, you do not need to save him, and you sure as hell don't need to be his peace.

All the times you saved his life, and then it feels like every move he makes he tries to end yours. One day you'll forgive him, and maybe you'll be able to stand with your head high and not wince at the thought, sight, or sound of him. Honey today is not that day. I don't feel like that day will get here for a few years now, but I'm proud of you making it this far. His love was a drug that God knew you needed to quit. And even though the broken pieces of yourself are still on his bedroom floor like an old t-shirt, you won't need those pieces. God's given you new ones. I hope you see that sleepovers were wrong and so was any instance where his soul touched yours. Don't let another man touch your soul like he touched and ruined it.

Show him you don't care even though you need to cry in your bedroom moments before you face him. You don't have to talk to him or be okay or get over it. Until they've experienced the heartbreak that makes you forget who you are, they'll never understand. Don't be around people who don't understand. Hearing his voice talk to others like he once talked to you will make you want to break everything in sight just so people don't notice you crying. I wish I could've warned you, and I'm sorry I didn't. But don't worry sweet girl, he's your floor now, not your ceiling.

I won't even say I hope, because I know that one day, you'll find someone so much better. You'll find a guy who knows that you like two yellow-packets of sweetener with your coffee. You'll find a guy who turns up your favorite song in their car, just to see you dance like no one's watching. You'll find a guy who looks past the trust issues you wish you could get rid of. I know you wish things were different, and I know we can never go back to how we once were. Even though we ended this year a completely different person, trust me when I say we are a better version of ourselves. So, keep your head up sweet girl, we're going to be okay. You'll be okay. I don't know when... but you will.