Not Another High School Love Story

27. The Start of Something New

Being at Ms. Montgomery's house is so weird, I don't think it'll ever start to feel normal. I guess I shouldn't be surprised by how uncomfortable I am here, I haven't been staying with her long and I'm not sure what's going to happen now. Plus it's not exactly like she and I have had the best relationship—which is probably my fault—but I'm trying to be better about it. It's just a whole lot of unfamiliar territory, and it's getting to me a little more than it usually would considering the rest of the problems I'm dealing with. She does her best to make it okay though, and I think it must come natural to her because it hardly looks like she has to try. She's clearly proven by now that she has a gift for taking care of people, which makes me wonder about her first marriage.

"I thought maybe we could order out, what do you like?" Ms. Montgomery appears in the doorway, staring at me as I sit on the almost naked bed in the almost naked room she was kind enough to let me borrow. Not that I'm complaining, I'm actually very grateful to her, the irony of this situation is not lost on me. I don't deserve anything from her, not after the way I've been treating her since I found out she's dating my dad. Well, she was dating him, I'm not sure where they stand now.

"Actually, I think I'll pass if it's okay with you, I'm not really hungry." I'd honestly rather be alone, but it's not personal.

"Jonah, you can't just spend the whole day in here." At first she wears a pointed look, but she manages to switch seamlessly into maternal mode when my only response is to glance away. She comes over and slides onto the bed beside me, waiting so that I'll face her again, but I can't and she gives up on waiting for my blessing. "Listen, I know you've got a lot on your mind, but you're not in this alone anymore. Talk to me."

"And say what? We've already talked about it, it doesn't help." It's an honest answer, one that I give because I know she's right. I'm not alone, even if I wanted to be she wouldn't allow it. The image of her, chasing after me in the middle of a storm, is still fresh in my memory. No one else was there, not Brent or my dad, it was just her. She was there for me, and I owe her so much. Yet all her kindness can't change what happened, and even after smoothing things over with Brent I still can't shake this terrible feeling in my gut. It makes me want to crawl into a hole and die, and I don't know what she or anyone else can do about it.

"Then try again. This pain you're feeling isn't all that's left, even though I'm sure it feels that way. It sucks, but it's going to hurt for a while." She speaks like she knows a thing or two about it.

"I don't want to keep feeling like this." Again I feel like a damaged child, but I push myself because I owe her, because I desperately want to feel better. It's easier if I don't have to see her though, so I keep my eyes low instead. "I'm tired of being sad and angry, you said it yourself, but I can't figure out how to stop it. What else is there?"

"Hope." Her wisdom comes quick, but when she notices the skeptical expression on my face she chuckles and offers more of an explanation. "Maybe it doesn't seem that way now, but you've got a huge opportunity in front of you. When I found you the other day, and you told me everything, it was like a light bulb went off in my head and I finally understood what's been going on with you. You are so brave, Jonah, I can only begin to imagine what you've had to go through, but it's over now. You're gay, you told your dad. You told me, and you told Brent. That's who you are, no one can take that away from you, you don't have to be angry."

"What good did coming out do me? Look at what happened." I can see the point she's trying to make, but it isn't so black and white. That freedom comes at a cost, and it's not one I'm sure I can pay.

"You asked me what you were supposed to do, remember? You've had to keep this secret for so long, and I know how powerless that must've felt, but you're in control now. It's time to start living. I'm not saying you shouldn't be sad, you have every right to be, but when you're ready there's nothing holding you back. Go out, do what makes you happy, and at the end of the day you'll still have a place to come home to. I told you, you can stay with me as long as you want. This isn't an end, this is the start of something new." Ms. Montgomery puts it all into perspective, spelling out her definition of hope before revealing the catch. "But we've got to do things right."