Not Another High School Love Story

32. Kinder Thoughts

The morning routine I've come accustomed to is soothing as I stand in front of the mirror, running my fingers through my hair to get it just right. It's mindless work, which is why it's so appealing right now when all I can think about is how today's going to go. Brent never showed up last night like we planned, which makes sense considering the confrontation we had with Marcus, but I'm still left to wonder how it'll affect things. The texts I keep sending him go unanswered too, but my future with Brent is only one thing to worry about.

Ms. Montgomery found out that I'd ditched school yesterday, and even though she wasn't cool with it she understood after I explained what happened. Too bad she won't let me skip at least one more day, I would love some time to figure out how I want to do this, but I guess I've got to wing it. I'm not sure what to expect when I get to school, all I know is that I need to be prepared for whatever's about to happen. Spending all this time on how I look is probably not important, it's the last thing my peers will be concerned with now, but I really do appreciate the familiarity of it. What's one last morning to pretend that things are okay?

I've gotten too good at this by now, so it doesn't take nearly as long as it used to, and already I'm back in my room to grab my backpack before I start out to join Ms. Montgomery for breakfast. She must've anticipated I'd be longer too, because when I get to the end of the hall I hear her on the phone, speaking in a low, serious tone. It's none of my business, but even though I know I shouldn't listen in I can't help myself as I sneak a little closer to eavesdrop on her conversation.

"That's not a good time either," she's still tense, delivering her lines in a terse manner. "You can't keep doing this, I told you already."

My curiosity swells and I peek around the corner to see her standing at the table, one hand on her back while she's turned away. I wish I could see her face, I think it would go a long way towards explaining who she's talking to, but I've already got a good idea. Maybe I just don't want to consider it, but she's such a kind and patient woman, I've only seen her speak to one person that way the whole time I've known her.

"He doesn't want to see you, Jason, what did you expect?" Ms. Montgomery supplies the proof I need, and I wonder just how frequently she talks to my dad. I don't feel betrayed or anything, I only feel bad for her, it's not fair she has to be in the middle of this. "Just leave it alone, okay? I'm begging you, he's been doing fine, I don't want you upsetting him again, he's got enough to deal with."

It shouldn't matter now what my dad thinks, but I can't stop wondering what he's saying to her. Is he still trying to get me into therapy, to change me so I'll be more like him? I almost go out there, I almost tell her I'm willing to talk to him, but I realize it's nothing more than an emotional reflex left over from when I thought he might actually be able to love me. No, I'm starting to wise up and see that I've got to be more selfish, that's the only way I'm ever going to have any say in the things I want. It's difficult right now, but I know it has to get easier, so I stay where I am.

"I don't want you coming over here, I'm serious. Look, we can talk about this later, I've got to finish getting ready for work." She doesn't even bother with a proper goodbye as she hangs up on him, but I figure it's probably simpler for her like that. If she doesn't have to be civil, if she can continue to paint him as some sort of villain, then I imagine she can justify the way things have to be. I'm not sure how to approach her now, so I return to my room and shut the door loudly before walking back out, pretending like I've just finished with my routine.

"Hey." I smile, sitting at the table. There's a burning need to pry itching just under my skin, but I figure she's already doing me a favor, I shouldn't make it any more difficult for her.