Mending Ryan Falls ✓

44 | in which he trusts her

'What if I fall?'
'Oh, but darling ... what if you fly?'

.\.|./.

Ryan Falls

| in which he trusts her |

The minute I see him, I instantly regret my decision. I don't know what I was thinking, getting up on a whim and coming here. This neighborhood and its people destroyed me all those years ago, and after eleven years of putting up with shit here, I should have known better than to think I would get closure here.

Closure is not something I'm destined to have, because even though I came to mom looking for answers, I'm leaving with even more questions than I previously had. I don't know what hurts more, the fact that the woman I have thought was my mother all my life isn't even related to me, or the realization that neither my real mother nor my father wanted me. My mother threw me out as soon as I was born, and my father left me when I was seven, transferring money to a caretaker like that's all he thought I needed.

Okay, maybe I can live with this. I can live knowing I have no one. No parents, no family, no friends, and no home. I can live knowing there's no one I can turn to, and I can live knowing that those I hoped would help me heal, aren't even responsible for me.

What I can't live with, though, is having to through all of that again.

"Let's go, Crystal," I say, my heart beating so loud it deafens me. Even if I try, I can't tear my gaze away from the man standing on the porch of the house next to what had been my home for the first eighteen years of my life. He's staring at me, and the smile on his face tells me he recognizes me. As for me, I would recognize him anywhere in the world.

Crystal probably notices too, and I can see it in her eyes, the calculation going on.

"Ryan," she begins, her eyes boring into mine.

I take her hand in mine and begin to steer her towards the car.

"Ryan, wait ..." Crystal holds me back, taking a deep breath and looking at me firmly. "Ryan ...you can do this."

"Crystal, let's go." I tug at her hand.

"Ryan, we need to do this," she insists.

"Do what, Crystal? We need to go," I say, my panic increasing the longer I stay here.

"We will, but please listen to me," she keeps saying.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want her to tell me what I know she's trying to say. She wants me to do something I'm not ready to do and I'm not going to be talked into this.

"Crystal, I can't, I ..."

Her hand comes to rest on one side of my face as she stares unblinking into my eyes.

"Ryan, do you trust me?" she asks.

I hesitate, my mouth open but nothing coming out. Yes, I trust her, but I don't trust myself to do this. I don't trust this world and I definitely don't trust the man still standing a mere few feet from me and watching me with victory in his eyes. He knows he still has me in his control, and no matter how much I try, his gaze still sends shivers down my spine. His voice is echoing in my head, blocking out every sane thought that could exist. All I know is, I can't be here.

Wrenching my hand out of her grip, I take an unsteady step back, closing my eyes and clenching my hands into fists to prevent them from trembling. I don't want Crystal to see what a weakling I am.

My eyes snap open when her hands close around my fists, holding them. Her face is firm and she looks like she isn't backing down today. And though I love how stubborn Crystal can be when she wants something, this isn't the situation I want her to stand opposite me.