Never Alone

Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

The screen behind the girls flickered black and gray like an old lost signal. Our group was hanging at the edge of our seats. I took in a shuddering breath, aware that I was crying, too. My heart ached for Aideen. I couldn't begin to imagine what she'd gone through or how she'd found the strength to keep going long enough to end up here. She gave birth to a little girl, and then she selflessly gave her to a mother who could give her more than Aideen could. How did you come back from that kind of loss?

I wasn't the only one having trouble keeping my emotions in check. Marco couldn't even look at her. He wiped at his eyes as he focused his attention on the wall beside him. The loss might be something we hadn't experienced and may never experience, but it dug deep into our souls and touched a place inside of us that was hurting. We were all wounded. That's why we were there—because we each had a gaping wound that wasn't healing. Aideen's had just been shown in full color for all of us to see.

Damien cleared his throat and adjusted his position. He had been rocking again, tapping his head like he had when we'd first met. Maybe rocking was his way of soothing himself, much like the way scrubbing my skin to the point of breaking it seemed like the answer to my unease until I'd learned it wasn't enough. It would never be enough. My wound wasn't on the surface where I could attack it and come out the victor in this stupid war against my demons; it was buried deep beneath my skin, all the way in my core, and I was helpless to get my hands on it.

"What the fuck?" Ken said as he used his shirt to wipe at his wet face. "We shouldn't have seen that," he insisted, his voice cracking. "That was her secret. It feels like we've violated her in some way." He looked to Dr. Crimm, his hand outstretched as he pointed to her. "You let us into a place she was keeping locked up. How is that going to help her? How will it help to be vulnerable in front of strangers?"

Dr. Crimm didn't take her eyes off of him. She clearly wasn't the type to back down, even in the face of such anguish and anger. "You have to go through it to get past it." She was calm yet firm in her delivery. "No one should be alone during something like that—no one." Her voice wavered this time at the end. I couldn't prove it, but something told me she was speaking from experience. She was impassioned about her message and she leaned forward, staring at Ken as he shook his head. "Hiding away the things we are ashamed of doesn't make them untrue. It doesn't rewind time and make them not happen or change other people's opinions of our actions and character. Pick the dirt from your wound and bleed it out. It's only then that the real healing can start.

"We rush to stop the bleeding. We rush to soothe the hurt. We all want it covered so others can't see it. 'I'm okay. Nothing is wrong. It's all better now.' But is it really? We don't even give ourselves the time to properly care for it. We cover the wound so others can see the physical representation of our healing when our own body isn't clotting it fast enough. But it's there. It isn't better or fixed or healed."

Aideen opened her eyes, overwhelmed with emotion and completely exhausted. She folded herself up and hugged her legs, crying into her knees as she continued to wake up from the medication. She had to know she wasn't alone, but was unable to pull her head up and see the reactions of the others in the group.

Damien wiped at his forehead and then pushed his glasses up a little higher on his nose. They slipped again, as his skin was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Twice during the experience, the Shima and Aideen had reached for each other, holding tightly to the other's hand before letting go again as if they were falling away from each other.

The whole thing hadn't lasted longer than a half hour, but my body was sore from the tension it had held as we waited for the girls to come back.

Damien's fingernails had been chewed down until they bled. He stretched out his fingers, refusing to take his eyes off Shima until she recovered. Her body was relaxed into the chair, but tears had been streaming down her face for a while now. Her wailing earlier was so sharp it had felt as though it pierced my heart.