Never Alone

Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

Dr. Crimm and Shima stayed outside and talked for an hour while the rest of us got ready for bed. Aideen and I took the back bedroom for the girls without any fight from the boys. It was cramped inside the motor home once the couches were unfolded into beds and the loft above the driver's seat had been dropped down to reveal another place to sleep.

All the windows were left open and that might have been the only thing saving me from panicking in the compact space, where it felt as if we were all on top of each other. In the morning, we'd be heading back to R2L for another round of the medication and virtual reality therapy.

The door to the back bedroom was open and I could hear Marco, Ken, and Damien whispering as they lay in their beds. I wouldn't be able to get any rest without the door being locked, but chances were I wouldn't be able to fall asleep even then, so I didn't have any intention of making a big deal about it being open as we waited for Shima to come to bed.

"I want to try it," Ken's deep voice whispered. Today had been a powerful day for him out there with the horse. He had done something he didn't think he could do and that had healed a part of him that doctors were inadequate to treat. He'd needed to fix it himself. He'd needed to prove he was still capable. But maybe most importantly, he'd needed a very capable stranger to see in him what he'd somehow lost sight of himself.

"I don't know, man, that was brutal," Damien answered back in his familiar cautious tone. "You saw how tormented those girls were. We couldn't do shit about it."

Aideen sat up beside me in the bed. She only hesitated a minute before standing up and making her way into the front area. "It was worth it."

I moved, too, not wanting to be alone in the dark or left out of the conversation. Maybe I shouldn't have felt that dependent on this group of kids already, but I was. We were there for a reason and I couldn't imagine going through anything this intense ever again with anyone else. I moved to stand next to her near the tiny kitchen sink.

"I think you should all do it," Aideen suggested. "What's there to lose? If I could do it again so Ken could go, I would."

I looked to Marco, who was stretched out on his back on the bed with his hands tucked beneath his head. He'd already told me he planned on going. He could easily volunteer to go with Ken. His eyes met mine and he held my gaze. He'd told me he would go with me. If he spoke up now and went with Ken, Damien would determine my fate. He could decide he didn't want to try it at all and then I wouldn't have a partner. Maybe I wouldn't want to go when the time came, but knowing that I might not get the chance made my stomach knot.

I waited for Marco to say something, but he remained quiet, his eyes fixed on me. Damien shifted in his bed. He rolled onto his side so he could face Ken and Aideen. "I've spent my whole life being humiliated. The question isn't just, 'What's there to lose?' It's whether or not I want to gain yet another humiliating experience. The data already proves I'm not cool, I'm not likable, I'm not typical, and I'm not wanted."

Ken sat up a little higher in his bed. His expression was incredulous. "First of all, I'm offended," he said. "You don't know anything about me and how I feel about you. And secondly, why would you give a shit what any of us think, anyway? We aren't your family. We're just five fucked-up kids—no offense—" Ken looked around quickly. "—who clearly don't feel like we're sailing through life, either."

"No," Damien said, his voice sad and non-argumentative. "You aren't my family. You don't have to pretend to like me. So when you include me or smile or actually listen to something I have to say, it means something. There have been many times in my life where I've made the wrong move socially and people who I've thought were friends have cut me off. Maybe that's something that would be easy for you. Maybe you can just pull up another kid that's been sitting on the bench waiting for a chance to be called into the big game and be the quarterback in your social circle, but that's not my life.