All She Can Take

T H I R T Y

Phil's fingers ran across the cushioned chairs that were set up auditorium style in the empty conference room. Sid glanced back at the door to make sure that Tomi wasn't hiding behind a cracked door eavesdropping. She strategically took a few steps down the middle aisle and Phil followed suit.

"When did you get out?" Sid asked him.

"This morning." His hair was a few inches longer than what it was when he saw him. Stubble dotted his cheeks and along his jawline.

Her gaze rested on him. He swung his arms forward, his fingertips touching momentarily before they swung backward to repeat the process again. He didn't know what to say and Sid was no help. Words had moved on from her like nomads lately. The balance between saying too much and not saying anything at all was something she couldn't seem to master. So she stood there instead. In the empty room whose air seemed filled with all her secrets.

"Thanks to you." Phil was never one to beat around the bush and it didn't seem like it was going to start then. As much as Sid tried to fight it Phil constantly reached out and wrapped her in the truth. No matter how uncomfortable.

"Yeah, well...you're welcome."

"Why did y—"

"How did you find me?" Sid cut him off.

"Chante."

Sid had definitely been slipping on the amount of information that she shared with Chante. It didn't help that she usually saw Chante at the end of a long shift when she was exhausted and her inhibitions were low.

"Figures."

"Why did you bail me out?" Right back into his line of questioning. Sid glanced at the door again. This time hoping that Tomi would barge in. Maybe whatever apprehension she had about Aiden all those years ago would flare up again and she would come in, guns blazing to break up this meet and greet. The doors stayed closed. She turned toward Phil.

He had on all black. Much like what he was wearing the night she saw him in the alley. They had given him back the very same clothes from that night. Sid saw herself scrambling on her hands and knees, desperate to get her hands on that cash. Desperate to take something from him and she felt the familiar touch of guilt squeeze at the back of her neck. So much time drowning in guilt. Sid almost forgot what it felt like to be deserving.

"You don't deserve to be in there."

"I'm not out here running an after school program, Sid. Maybe I did deserve to be in there."

"You're a good person."

"I don't know what good that has done for me." His hands were a nervous knot in front of him. Like he was trying to physically wring some sense out of the events of the last few weeks. It would be impossible for him to make sense of it because he was missing a huge chunk of information. The most important piece of information. That the girl he was thanking, the one who he lit up around was the one who was semi-responsible for his prolonged incarceration and falling out of Kru's good graces in the first place. In the closet at home, she held the his money.

Sidney ran a hand across her forehead and squeezed at her temples. Her body was begging her to talk. Tell someone. Anyone. Just to relieve a little bit of the pressure that was threatening to break her and spill all over her life. She was holding too much in. Too many secrets. It was the worst kind of prison. No wonder she was fucked up. No wonder trains sent her cowering into corners and fedora hats floated into her periphery at the slightest instance of discomfort. She was truly fucked up. And she didn't want to be. She opened her mouth and hoped that she wouldn't lose her nerve before the words came out.