All She Can Take

F I F T Y - S I X

Sid planned on being early to the rendezvous. She arrived a little after 11 PM but as she stood there staring down the stairs that never seemed to go on forever she worried that she would never be able to urge her feet to go down them. She thought that maybe this new version of her would be able to descend those steps. That the confidence and badassery that she'd gained over the last few weeks would equip her with new courage. But she was wrong. The new her and the past her both lost their father down there. No confidence could erase that trauma. Sid walked around the block to give herself some time to settles her nerves.

She was wasting valuable time. The street was quiet but that wouldn't be for long. Kru could be down here with his entire entourage no less. Their meet up time was now less than twenty-five minutes away. Get down the fucking stairs, Sid. She rounded the corner and found herself back at the station. She closed her eyes and pushed rough breaths through her nostrils. Trying to calm herself but instead, she envisioned her father slipping beneath the train again. His hat fluttering in the rush of air pushed into the station by tons of hurtling steel. Her feet retreated from the first step again.

"Fuck!" She screamed. She was coming undone and at the worst possible time. This is what she planned. She asked to meet here. It was supposed to be empowering but instead, her trauma was sending her into a cowering balled up mess in the middle of the block. She imagined Kru rolling up in his big black Escalade seeing her, nothing more than a weak lump on the ground. He'd laugh and remember that she wasn't anything to be afraid of. This girl couldn't possibly be a threat to him or to anyone. He'd end her with one shot to the head. She held onto the brick wall for dear life and urged herself to make it down those stairs. She couldn't die here like some coward. But her feet wouldn't move. She tried to push away the thoughts that were coming into her mind at high speed. Like she had always done, she cowered away from the memory of her dad being struck by the train. Closed her ears to the sounds of her younger self screaming. And fought against the feelings of hands grabbing her to keep her from seeing the gruesome scene of her father. She pushed it all away and it kept her in place. There. At the top of those stairs unable to go down.

"You alright?" A brusque voice sounded behind her. Her eyes snapped open. For a moment she thought that she'd completely lost herself. She had to be hallucinating. There was only so much upheaval, emotions, and strain one brain could take before it began to unravel at the seams. She pushed herself too far for far too long and now her brain had broken. It couldn't be her father in front of her. But the hat on his head. A fedora with a little feather jutting out defiantly was so real she reached out to touch it.

"I can call somebody. My grandson just bought me this phone. Hold on." The voice was not the one she grew up hearing. She blinked. It wasn't her father. Just an older guy. Wearing a hat. But she smelled his scent. Heard him somewhere in the timbre of this old man's voice. A small group of people flowed out of the station. Beach towels draped around their necks. A small girl with deep brown eyes and skin clutched a bright emerald teddy bear. Specks of sand dried into her curls. 

Sid remembered those days when they would wake up early and take the train out to Coney Island. They'd spend all day out there. Wading into the water before sprinting to the roller coasters. Their damp bodies pressed into the seats, holding on for dear life as they were thrown through the air. Her dad always screaming the loudest, making them all double over in amusement. They'd come back late, the train rocking Whitney to sleep immediately. Sid only pretended to be asleep as she leaned against his shoulder. Listening as he whispered to her mom and made her giggle.

"No, I'm fine." She told the man as he turned the iPhone in his hands, trying to decide which way was right side up. She left him there as she skirted past the group and took a deep breath before placing her foot on the first step. Then the second. She remembered them all dressed to the nines. The night that her father burst through the front door and told his girls to get dressed. He was taking them to a fancy dinner in midtown. They stood on the platform in their best dresses all giddy and confused. He didn't tell them until halfway through dinner that they were eating at the restaurant where he was the new head chef. Her mother cried, she remembered. Her father let her and Whitney share a glass of red wine. They felt like royalty. Her feet continued to carry her down to the platform on the strength of those memories. As many painful memories as this place held it also was the backdrop of so much joy. The places she went with her family. With Aiden. It was unfair for Kru to make this place, a piece of her childhood, a place of bad memories.