Jungkook took the bus home. It was sort of weird. He hadn't ridden the bus home in...almost a month. But he'd better get used to it because he wasn't going to accept rides from Yoongi anymore.
The bus ride was somewhat loud from the other passengers, but Jungkook slipped in a pair of earbuds. He didn't play any music because he was a mood music kind of person and he wasn't in the best of moods right now. He just let the earbuds sit in, more of a warning to other people than anything for himself. He didn't want anyone trying to talk to him. He didn't want to have to talk, or think.
The bus let him off two blocks from home, so he had all the time from when he turned the corner of his block to the point where he was in front of his own door to take in the presence of his mom's car and try to figure out what to say to her. Because he had to tell her something, right?
"Hey, baby," she said as he stepped in. She was in the kitchen, washing some lettuce in the sink. Her eyes flicked to the clock, and her eyebrows raised. "Aren't you supposed to be in practice? Did someone hit you in the head with a ball again?" she asked, already tsk'ing and setting down the lettuce. She wiped her hands on a towel and came up to him, her fingers spidering around his head as she examined him for any bumps, scrapes, or bruises.
"I'm fine," Jungkook said, stepping back slightly, and her hands hesitated in mid-air before she let them drop down to her sides.
"Oh...all right, that's good I suppose...I was just making us something nice to eat since we haven't had dinner together lately, I wasn't expecting you to come home for a little while so it's not quite ready yet but-"
"Why did Dad leave?"
She cut off mid-sentence, the towel back in her hands, and she twisted her fingers nervously within the fabric. "Jungkook? Baby, why are you asking-"
"You never told me," Jungkook said, feeling that same wave of emotion from earlier rising despite his efforts to shove it back down. But hell, why not just get out everything at once? "Everything used to be great. We had a house that wasn't breaking down all the time-"
"Jungkook!"
"-we had friends in town and school, you didn't have to work as much, Dad was home." Like Hoseok earlier, he knew his line of thinking wasn't coherent or logical, but he didn't care at this point. "No stupid car accident ruining anything." Of course his dad had nothing to do with the car accident. But Jungkook never would have been texting his friends if he'd been hanging out with him in person, and that only failed to happen because they'd had to move towns because his dad had left. Or at least, that was how Jungkook justified it to himself.
"Jungkook, baby-"
She reached out to him, and without thinking, he slapped her hand away. They were silent for a long moment before she tried to speak.
"Jungkook, what-"
"He's my dad!" Jungkook yelled, the tears from earlier finally springing free. It didn't make sense, but emotion wasn't about logic. The anxiety and self-loathing from the past few days collided with his other hurts, and it just felt like he would fall apart if he didn't scream out. "He's my dad, and nobody would tell me why the hell he left! I deserve to know, don't I?"
His mom was pale, her hands shaking in the kitchen towel. "Jungkook, I just wanted to protect you-"
"That plan didn't work out!" Jungkook yelled, hating the way she flinched, but he just couldn't control himself. He was spiraling; he'd held himself together this past month, but no longer. He'd tried playing the part. He'd tried taking responsibility and owning up to his actions and that hadn't worked out. He was done trying to blame himself. He was only here because of other people's choices. Wouldn't that be an easier way to think? "I want to know," Jungkook said, reigning himself in just a little bit, enough so that he wasn't yelling anymore, but his voice was still strong with anger and hurt. "I deserve to know."
"I know that you think you want to know, but Jungkook, it's better if you don't," she said, swallowing.
He just laughed. "It would have been better if I didn't hit someone with my car, too, but that's what happened." His laugh cut off, and he clenched his jaw, realizing that he wasn't going to get any answers out of her. "Fine. I'll go ask Dad." When he saw her eyes widen, he scowled. "Yeah, I found him. I saw him walking around a few blocks away from one of our games."
"Jungkook, don't go to that man," she said, looking less afraid now and more angry.
Jungkook snorted. "Why? Because you're afraid he would actually care about me?"
There was a sharp reverberation as her hand hit his cheek, and Jungkook gasped, holding a hand to his face. His mom had never slapped him before. He looked up at her, shocked, to find her eyes brimming with tears.
"Don't you ever say that," she said, kitchen towel having fallen to the ground. "You want to know what happened?" she asked, trying to steady herself with a hand on the counter. "You want to hear how your father invested all of the money we'd saved for your college and lost it on a bad tip?"
Jungkook's ears were still ringing from the slap. "What?"
"So yes, Jungkook, I threw him out of the house, and you can hate me for that," she said, and the words sounded familiar to him somehow. "And I let you talk on and on about how great your father is and how much you miss him and why did we have to get a divorce. I just sat there and listened-" She sniffled, and Jungkook could tell that the anger was draining out of her. "-because I didn't want to crush the image of your childhood hero. So don't say- don't say that I don't care about you. That hurts me very much to hear."
"I'm sorry," Jungkook whispered. "Mom, I'm sorry," he said again, louder, needing her to acknowledge him. "Mom-" He reached forward, hands touching her face before anchoring on her shoulders and pulling her close to him. "Mom, I'm sorry," he said again, crying as they hugged, his tears falling and cascading down her silky hair.
"It's okay, baby," she said, but the hurt was still in her voice and Jungkook knew that it was his fault, that he'd put it there.
"I'm sorry," he said again, his whole body shaking. "I didn't mean it, Mom. I didn't mean it. I'm just- I haven't felt right. Not since the accident."
"I know," she whispered against him. "I know you're hurting too, baby. It's okay."
"I'm off the team," he said after a moment. Maybe it wasn't a big deal in the moment, but it still felt big to him.
"I'm sorry, Kook. I wanted to see one of your games."
"I wasn't that good anyway," Jungkook said, his chest hiccupping as he laughed, thumbing tears away from his eyes. He thought about all the extra hours of practice he'd poured in, and for what?
Not for nothing, he decided. He wouldn't allow himself to regret that time. He'd grown from it. Not in the way he'd thought, but he'd invested himself in something. It had kept him here, stable. And now that the team wasn't an option for him, he'd have to find something else to throw himself into.
"Mom?"
"What's that, Jungkook?"
"Can you take me to the hospital?"
--updated 09/07/20 (mm/dd/yy)--
