Coal and Firewood

Chapter Three

As the days went by, Johanna and I developed a routine. I have slept somewhat better since we've been living together, she always helps me overcome the fear that paralyses me every time I have a nightmare, and this has given me a little more energy to complete some chores. Everyday we wake up, inexplicably, tangled in each other's arms. We don't talk about it. We eat breakfast and she leaves, going to the little market that has been organized by some of the citizens that returned to 12 trying to start their lives over. She always makes sure to pass by Haymitch's house to talk to him and see if he needs anything.

Greasy Sae didn't lie, Peeta comes in everyday to bring bread and check on me. It's become a habit for the three of us to eat lunch together, now that I can actually manage to eat lunch, so he stays with me until Johanna comes back and we start to cook. On the meantime, we tidy up the house and, on a few occasions, work on the book. One day, when Johanna came home, Peeta asked her if there was anyone she would like to add to the book and she looked at him with such fury I was glad her axe wasn't anywhere near her. So I never ask her about the people she's lost – her family, friends and even the tributes she trained – because I know the topic is too sensitive for her.

After we eat, he goes back to his house, leaving me with the person whose only task seems to be getting on my nerves for the rest of the day. As much as I hate to admit it, having to deal with her is still better than the numbness I've experienced these last few months. Isn't this what makes us human? Feeling. I spent a lot of time trying not to feel. Now, I'm overwhelmed by all the emotions fighting for my attention – all the sorrow, the pain, the anger. I cry more; I allow myself to think about those who are gone; I resent my mother, which makes me feel guilty; and I can't remember the last time I had felt alive the way I do now. It's her, my mind keeps telling me, her being here changes everything.

This is probably the one thing I don't want to think about. It makes me revisit the confusion I experienced during our time in 13. I don't understand what is it about Johanna that draws my attention to her ever since we first met. I thought this feeling was gone, but the longer she stays here, the stronger it seems to be growing, and the fact that I cannot name it makes me even more nervous.

"Well, I think that you're in love with her" I remember my sister's voice whispering hurriedly from her spot right next to me, on my bunk bed.

"No, I'm not!", I had told her. "Why would you say that?"

"I don't know, maybe it's the way you look at her." She thought for a few seconds. "And I think she might be in love with you too."

No. She is– was very good at reading people, but this time she had been terribly wrong. Whatever weird friendship Johanna and I have developed is too complicated and trying to figure it out makes me anxious, so I decided to just pretend it doesn't bother me and go about my days, ignoring the fluttering sensation at the pit of my stomach every time she comes near me.

During the last couple of days, Johanna has been trying to convince me to go hunting. She's tried everything: from asking nicely, saying it would be good for me to go outside, to dragging me forcefully towards the door, what led us to wrestle for about 10 minutes in the living room. Her current strategy consists in complaining, all day long, as loud as she can, about the quality of our food. She even told Peeta, when we were preparing lunch, that she would literally kill for some fresh meat and she wondered where the fuck she could possibly get it, making sure to glare at me while saying each word.

So today, after she bathed, – she can already sit inside the bathtub, water reaching just above her bellybutton – she said: "I would have probably made a lot more progress by now if I was eating well, you know?" and I finally had enough.