Coal and Firewood

Chapter Seven

Sitting on the ground, my back against the trunk of a tree, I listen to the sounds of the woods. The leaves above my head swaying with the wind, animals running in the distance, birds chirping in their nests and the soft thumps of an axe chopping wood.

Johanna works not very far from where I'm standing, bow ready in my hands to defend us from any possible threat. She's focused on her task, sweat running down her body, her arm and back muscles tensing up with each swing of her axe. I watch her every move as it's nearly impossible for me to take my eyes off her.

It's been a week since we've last talked about our "relationship" – if I can really call it a relationship – and, ever since that, I've been trying to understand how it is supposed to work. Overall, our dynamic hasn't changed much, the friendship we developed remains pretty much the same, except for the rare moments when she steals kisses from me, ever so casually, taking away my ability to speak. It seems so natural for her, but I can never seem to predict when it's about to happen.

As much as I appreciate the lack of expectation and pressure from her, I can't help but feel a little lost, not sure of what my next move should be. Things with Peeta and Gale were pretty straightforward – I knew what they expected from me; but with Johanna, I don't know where I'm standing.

How do I know if the little squeezes she sometimes gives my hand are just an ordinary display of affection or if they mean something more? Sometimes she just likes to lock her eyes on mine, daring me to make a move, until I can't take it anymore and look away. I'm afraid of misreading her signs and end up crossing a line, so I just rather let her make the decision for the both of us.

I wait patiently for every touch, every kiss, trusting that she knows how this works better than I do. How do I know if I should kiss her or not? With the boys there was always an underlying reason: they were suffering and I wanted to comfort them somehow. I felt like I should do it more than I actually wanted to.

Is wanting to kiss someone a good enough reason to do it? Growing up, I would sometimes overhear the girls gossiping in low, hurried voices, about the boys they had crushes on, their eyes daring to look at them for only a second too long, their cheeks blushing violently.

They always seemed very stupid to me, probably because I never really understood what they were talking about. I never gave much thought to it either, since I had more important things on my mind. I was too busy trying to keep my family alive to care about dating. Now, I think I finally get what it feels like, the energy in the air that seems to attract my gaze to the girl in front of me, and I feel as lost as those twelve-year-olds – and as stupid too.

"You used to be better at keeping watch." Lost in thought, I hadn't notice Johanna had stoped working and was watching me, a playful smirk on her sweaty face "Looking at the same spot the whole time is not a very smart strategy."

I look away, ashamed of being caught staring. Stupid. "Uh–" I stammer, still avoiding her eyes "if the government doesn't trust you with this axe, why should I?"

"Oh, so that's the reason you were watching my back for the past half hour, then?" she states ironically, raising an eyebrow "Scared of me, Everdeen?"

"Nope" I force a laugh, trying to mask my embarrassment. "Just cautious. I mean, you can never know with these Hunger Games victors, I heard they can be very unpredictable."

She bursts into laughter. I learned to appreciate the snarky, high pitched sound and a weird sense of pride grows in my chest. It happens more often now, whenever I'm able to make her smile, or when she hears rain pelting down and hitting the windows without as much as flinching, or when I catch her flipping through the pages of her family's photograph album.