Coal and Firewood

Chapter Six

It was just a kiss, nothing more than that. This is what I'm thinking as I walk through the woods, alone, an arrow ready to shoot any prey that I might find. The people in the district needed help with the wood that's being used to rebuild their homes, since none of them have experience with that. And who better than a girl from 7, whose talent presented to the public during her Victory Tour was carving wood? Johanna had volunteered to help and, when I woke up today, she had already left. So I took this opportunity to hunt by myself and use the silence to listen to my own thoughts.

When I was making my way to the woods, I saw her briefly, instructing a man who was trying to cut a log in half. I didn't stop to talk to her. Instead, I speeded up, hoping that no one noticed me. I don't know what I expected to feel when I saw her, but I'm honestly surprised with myself. Rather than the shame and regret I was afraid would take over me, seeing Johanna brought a warm sensation to my chest, and I had to suppress a smile. I never thought that one day I would kiss a woman – and be ok with it. I didn't even know it was possible for me to want that, but here I am.

After a long time trying to figure out why it happened, I came to the conclusion that it was only and exclusively because we both wanted to kiss each other. Simple as that. It was different with Peeta and Gale: whenever we kissed there had to be a reason why. I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, the responsibility of being the love of someone's life when I didn't even understand my own feelings. I wasn't allowed to experiment, because that meant I would be hurting one of them. "She will choose the person she can't survive without." Choose. I had to choose. And, for them, my every move was a potential sign of my decision.

After losing so many people I cared about and keep moving forward, it turns out I do not need anyone to survive and, luckily, Johanna knows that. This is the difference. She doesn't strike me as the type of person who would kiss me and then pressure me to love her. We're still getting to really know each other and our friendship was developing in a slow, comfortable pace. Yesterday, she kissed me because she felt like it and I kissed her back for the same reason. Is it going to happen again? Only time will tell, but knowing that there will be no demands from her makes me calmer about the whole situation.

I hear a low noise coming from a bush not very far from where I'm standing. I watch silently and wait for the right time. I finally catch a glimpse of white fur and shoot. When I approach, I see my arrow caught between the eyes of a rabbit. I spent most of the time here stuck inside my head and this was my only successful shot, but it will be enough for today's lunch since it's only going to be me and Johanna, so I decide to skin it and go home. Getting to the Victor's Village, I nod at Haymitch, who's sitting on his porch and watches my every step carefully, like he is analyzing me as I walk to my own house. I don't know what's up with him and neither do I care.

"Hey, I'm home" I warn, in case Johanna is already here. And yes, she was, I find out as I step into the kitchen. I can swear I saw, briefly, a little surprise in her eyes, but she quickly masks it.

"Where the hell were you?" she asks, frowning.

"Hunting" I answer, getting the rabbit off my bag and placing it inside the sink "Why?"

She sighs and rolls her eyes "Just asking, brainless. Let's prepare lunch, I'm starving."

We work together at the kitchen, she doesn't say a word and seems to be avoiding my gaze. Something is clearly bothering her but I don't think she's going to tell me. When everything is done, we sit side by side, the only sounds being of the cutlery hitting the plates, and she leaves as soon as she's done eating. As I finish washing the dishes, I go to the living room and find her sitting comfortably on the couch. I sit beside her and curiosity finally gets the best of me.