My First Year of Nursing

I guess this is it folks

Today, February 24th 2021 marks exactly a year since I started consecutively working at my place of employment. I have been through so much to get to this point. The amount of times I have cried in the car going to work, cried on the way back from work, thought about hurting myself before going to work, had mental breakdowns on my days off, researched other jobs i could have...it's been a really, really rough time.

And I guess you're waiting for the answer to the question everyone wants to know: did it ever get better?

Short answer: Yes.

Long answer: Yes, but I still don't love what I do. I guess my first inklings of this job shouldn't have been ignored because at the end of the day I do not want to be a bedside nurse for more than two years. I hate being overworked and abused by stupid business people who have never taken care of a patient in their lives. I'm tired of being abused by the patients and their families even when I'm trying my best. I'm tired of running around without a lunch break. I'm tired of being blamed for things that are not in my control. I'm tired of living in the stupid hospital and not seeing my friends and family during holidays or special times.

But I am glad I stuck it out a year because I've proven to myself that I am capable of being a nurse. My employer thinks I am a great nurse. I have been given many awards for what I do and many of my coworkers have rated me very well. I've gotten many compliments from families that I'm the best nurse they've ever had. This has all meant so much to me because of my first employer...if you're a long-time reader you would remember that I was not treated very well by my preceptor (I was basically bullied by her) and all my old coworkers thought I was an idiot because my preceptor kept yelling at me in public. My manager was not supportive at all and didn't listen to me when I told him I wasn't being treated right by my preceptor. Then when I decided to leave, he refused to write me any sort of recommendation letter...worst manager ever...

But I've had a better experience now: my new manager thinks I'm a great nurse, I'm capable of being a nurse independently, there are better patient ratios (still not great but better), better pay, etc. I can do the job.

But the fact is, I still hate it. I hate it so much and never would like to be a bedside nurse ever again.

I am still working at this place and still will be since my nurse residency program has been extended due to COVID--they put it on pause for like 8 months(the time I needed them the most, but whatever). It ends sometime in April.

I'm not sure what I want to do with my life, but I guess I made it through a consecutive year of this shit. I hope I find what I actually want to do with my time. Something that is at least bearable to me. I know this is not only me feeling this way because many people I work with talk to me about their "exit strategies." Bedside nursing is a stepping stone, not a role most people do for the rest of their lives. I just don't know what I want to do with mine.

Here's to being a confused girl in her 20s! Thanks for coming along for the ride!

💜

Annie