You told me I could trust you, don't lie I could really use it
Everybody needs love, even niggas like me
You told me I could trust you And I could really use it
- Trust, Brent Faiyaz
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Saturday
This morning/ afternoon I have brunch with my parents.
The only reason I'm going is because of my mother, I haven't seen her in a while and I want to make sure he hasn't been hitting her recently.
Yes, my father is an abusive fuck. He's hit my mother and I ever since I was about 3, but never did he hit my older brother Daniel.
Daniel is my half brother, he is a product from my fathers last failed marriage... hmm I wonder why it failed?
Daniel is the poster child, my father loves him so much and although I hate him, it hurts to know he'll never love me like that.
As a child all I ever wanted was his approval, his love, so I loved him so much it ended up hurting me more than if I just hated him. I became a doctor to please him, but he could care less.
He couldn't of cared any less if I loved or hated him, it's like he wanted to see my mother and I in pain.
My mother is hopelessly in love with a man who does nothing but hurt her and her son. I tried many times to get her to leave but her "love" for him always brings her back.
Actually I can't tell if it's the love or the fear bringing her back... either way it looks like a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome to me.
I hated her for a very long time, how could she see the way he mentally, physically, and emotionally abused us but still love him. A small part of me still hates her for that, but most of me has forgiven her because she's hurting too.
I sigh getting up from my bed... I really don't want to go.
I strip out of my nightwear and step into the soothing hot water.
I subconsciously touched the scar on my top lip.
I let a tear slip, it pains me to know that I was a little boy who just wanted to be loved. Maddie loved me, she was my safe space but she's not here anymore.
My light tears turn into a waterfall. I closed my eyes letting the tears escape. I hate feeling like this, I hate feeling weak.
