Living to Loving

Chapter 19

*POV Gemma*

I sit on the edge of my bed, my head dropped in my hands. My elbows rest on my knees, my hands entwined in my hair. Thoughts whiz through my mind.

Was it my fault? Was the accident my fault? It's possible. She was trying to help me. I'm the one who caused it. It's my fault. Guilt sinks into the pit of my stomach. It's my fault she nearly died. It's my fault she can't walk. I choke out a sob and tears roll down my cheeks.

I can't help it. It hurts. It hurts. Everything hurts. It feels numb. Everything feels numb. I stare at the floor. I can feel my eyes glazing over. I don't care. I don't do anything about it. The world feels like it's behind a glass barrier.

"Gemma?"

I hear my name called a couple times. I don't look up. It doesn't feel like I can.

"Gemma," I hear another voice.

My mind is so fuzzy and numb, I can't tell who it is.

Then I feel arms around my shoulders. Tears keep falling- they haven't stopped. "What's going on in your mind, Gem?" I can hear Daniel's voice, soft and gentle, as he rubs my shoulders tenderly.

"I don't know," I choke out. "I don't know."

"What are you feeling?" Daniel asks. "Anger? Fear? Talk to me, Baby."

"I don't know," my voice rises in anxiety. "I don't know, I don't know. Stop asking me that." My voice is shaky. My breaths quiver as they come out.

"Gemma," Daniel sighs. "Please. Come on."

He's disappointed in me. I can't blame him. I'm disappointed in myself too. I'm the reason his sister is paralyzed.

"I have good news," Daniel prompts me.

I don't say anything. I don't do anything. It doesn't feel like I can.

"It's about Rina," Daniel says.

At this, I look up, somewhat quizzically. I can feel the tear streaks painted on my cheeks. They're cold.

"She can feel her legs," Daniel says, his eyes lit up. "And she can move a little bit."

I can't. No matter how much I try, no matter how much I push, I can't feel happy for her. I know I should- being able to feel her legs and move them is amazing for Rina, but I can't. I'm trying; I just can't.

Daniel peers at me, concerned. "Gemma?"

I don't respond.

"Oh, Gemma," Daniel pulls me into his arms, leaning back on the pillows behind him, with me wrapped in his muscular, football player arms. "I love you."

I can't bring myself to say it back, so I just nestle myself closer to him.

I don't know how or when, but I end up falling into a light sleep.

When my eyes open, Daniel is spinning in the chair in front of my desk, laughing like he's ten. Girls, if you're reading this, not every guy is going to take advantage of you. Pick the right one.

"Hey Gem," Daniel says. He stops spinning. "How are you doing?"

I give a slow nod, yawning. "Better."

He smiles. "That's good." He hands me two pills and a glass of water. "Your mom said to have you take these when you woke up."

I let them slide into my mouth. "What are they?"

"Antidepressants," Daniel says. "For PTSD. Your mom said they'd help."

I swallow a gulp of water. "They usually do. Thanks."