Equilibrium

Chapter 16 - The problem with White Knights

Zen took a slow drag of the brown papered clove cigarette, relishing in the taste and the glow of the burn at the tip. Chay joined him on the patio a moment later, declining a puff. He'd taken it from Chay's seldom-used stash.

"So, did you talk to the Violet Devil?" Chay asked.

Zen chuckled. Chay was not a fan of Yuki's. Never was. Zen and Chay remained friends during his dark period, but that regard didn't extend to his enablers. Zen thought that may have been one of the reasons Chay enjoyed coaxing Zen into cheating on her once in a while.

"Yeah. She said to hunker down a few days and things should blow over. I asked if Mandrake was really acting on his own, and it seemed he was. He would have been reprimanded, except he's currently being held by the police. When I explained things on our end, she said what happened was fair enough, but not to press charges."

"What does Kevyn think of that?" Chay asked.

"I haven't told him yet. And, I can't make him do anything. All I can do is ask."

"No kidding. He's not the kind to just go along. He's taking on a lot for you though."

"I know. I would never ask him to shoulder any of this. But he is. He even came with me here instead of with his parents and Aunt. We were fighting you know."

"You seem alright now. Tough times have a way of bringing clarity," Chay mused. "I'm so jealous of him," Chay admitted.

Zen was startled. "Why?"

"Because I know - have always known - that no matter what we've had, you love him more than me. Always have."

"I never said I love him," Zen pointed out.

"But I know you do. Or, your on the way to it. I knew what was there right from the time he stopped talking to you all those years ago. It brought you and me close, so that was a gift. But, I remember how hurt you were by it, by him. I knew even then that I could never make you feel that way."

"I couldn't have gotten through it all without you, Chay. I was so messed up. So angry and hurt. But, when I was with you, I could almost remember what it felt like to be myself. I got better. Years later. And you were there through all of that, and it means so much to me."

"Having you in my life has meant so much to me too, Zen-Zen." Chay stepped closer. Touched his arm. "If you add it all up, we've lived a whole human lifetime together, with all the ups and downs of one." A pause. "And, maybe it was because of comparing myself to Kevyn that I couldn't give you the one thing I held back. My commitment."

Zen gasped. "I know - that you're not -"

"But maybe I would have tried if I thought I wouldn't always be nothing more than second best."

Anger flooded Zen's veins. "Don't. Don't rewrite our history. Or suppose things you don't know. It'll just hurt both of us."

"I'm not trying to hurt you," Chay answered, getting angry himself. I'm trying to tell you what's been running through my head lately, especially right now when you've brought him to my home."

"We can leave," Zen said.

"I don't want you to, dummy. Just listen. And believe me or don't believe me. That's fine. But I needed to say this, and I won't bring it up again." Zen stayed silent for a long minute. Eventually, Chay continued, "I'm telling you this because it may get hard for me to see you two together like this. So, if I make myself scarce, you'll get it. Okay?"

After that meeting between the three of them, Chay had seen Zen and Kevyn in a quiet moment, Zen recalled. And he thought about how seeing Chay with Reno and JC was often hard for Zen. So he knew the feeling firsthand. This was such a tangle, made worse by their tense situation. "Okay," Zen acknowledged quietly. And flicked the butt of his cigarette to the ground. Chay gave him a superior look, letting Zen know he knew he was being a dick on purpose. Zen laughed and picked it up.