Not your soulmate♡

~Chapter 49~

"Okay....okay I did it" I drop the empty syringe in the bin while feeling my hands shake. I swallow down the lump in my throat while rolling down the sleeve of my sweater hearing my heart beat even louder in my ears while trying to convince myself that it is only phantom prickles in my skin because I took the injection.

It's okay...it's okay...it's not a big deal-

Fluffy ducks that's so wrong...it's not something small!

"Okay wrong choice of words" I run a hand through my hair as I bite down on the inside of my cheek trying to distract myself from the choice I just made. I don't particularly regret it but I also just don't want to see the results, I made the big step to do it but taking the big step to see if it actually worked has me instantly halting in my movements.

It's terrifying....it's so much more terrifying that I thought it would be

Tears form in my eyes as I clear my throat trying to push it back as the memory of my 20th birthday replays in my mind with all the emotions replaying with it. The excitement and nervousness that lead to shock, disbelief, sadness and heartache. It feels like I'm having a repeat of that day in such a different way.

This time is different though in various ways. I'm older, wiser in the knowledge of how soulmates and soulmarks work, emotionally done with love, more reluctant at the idea of false hope and not really hoping for a soulmark. Last time really broke me and harmed my relationship with my parents badly but I'm happy we repaired it and it is better than ever.

Yet that was my own fault for pushing them away but I don't want to fall so deep again...I really don't want to...

The fear of all that returning is in the dark space in my mind that was reluctant to do this to spare myself of the pain again but I know things won't end up like that again. I won't ever let something like this harm my relationship with my parents again and I have Aera by my side who in turn always has me by her side and I would be a fool to let those things get ripped away from me because of the fear of the results.

It's strange how times have changed and how things led to this but knowing this time I am doing this after already being labeled as soulmateless feels strange in a way that just the thought of scanning my skin for a mark makes me feel like slapping myself to get back into reality and stop living in the hurtful delutions of hope fate was wrong.

But this is reality....and I am realising that me hating myself for this later has now become a hating myself for this now

"But it's okay...it's okay I'm not alone in this, any result won't change anything that I can't make a choice in...I mean just because I took it doesn't mean I have to look for any mark right now"

Yeah it's not like I have the biggest urge to cry and skan my whole body for a mark after making my own decision in taking the injection....

"Just don't look it's really easy...I'll do it when I'm ready or better yet I may forget about it and if there is nothing then I won't even realise and if there is something well...it is future Eun-hye's problem" With a final nod already starting to slap myself mentally for now giving up on my confidence I duck my head into my pillow huffing out a few breaths before just resting with my face stuffed in my pillow letting my heartbeat sound in my ears.

Good job Eun-hye....atleast I'm trying to convince myself to follow my own choices

With the silence in the room I let myself rest while keeping my mind blank of the choice I just made but the silence get interupted as my phone rings making me sit up blinking away the blurryness as I reach out to pick up my phone from my desk.