Flight Risk

15 - Adams-Vanderhoff Wedding Part 2

My mind drifted back two years to a conversation I'd tried to forget between Trevor and me.

"Do we have to break up? I can't come with you on such short notice, but I support your decision to go. I'll visit you when I can take holidays," Trevor had said.

The future that he'd wanted together made me nauseous and uncomfortable, which was irrational. Moving in as a couple was a normal step, and considering where to buy a house someday was too. But both made me feel claustrophobic, and I imagined sitting in a house for the rest of my life watching the snow fall in the winter and melt in the spring every year until I died. There was so much of my life I hadn't lived. Trevor saw this trip as me pausing before having that life together, where I dreaded being trapped in this province, where I imagined no future for myself.

A small part of me still wanted to meet someone who loved taking adventures all over the world, and who was as hungry for those experiences as I was. Maybe we'd meet on a tour or at a hostel or while I worked abroad. It was silly and selfish, especially since Trevor was an absolute catch who loved me and treated me so well. Breaking his heart was destroying me inside, but having a life together that didn't make us both happy wasn't right either. I wanted someone who shared my dreams and didn't see them as a temporary indulgence. And I wanted him to have a person who dreamed of the big things he did, like kids, with their whole hearts. Deep down, I didn't want that, and I also didn't want him to miss out on it because he loved me.

"I think it's what's best for us. We want different things."

His eyes glistened like a shimmering ocean as he took my hands in his. Even though I bit my lip, it didn't prevent the same from happening to me.

"I want you, Audrey. I love you. More than anything."

Tears descended both of our cheeks.

"I love you too, Trev. But I don't want a brief holiday, I want to live abroad and see the world. That may take years. Is that the life you dream of?"

He opened his mouth and closed it. "I don't know how I could do that. But I'll wait and visit you, and when you're ready–"

"That's the problem, Trev. I don't think I want that. You want a house in the country with a cute family, and the more I consider, the more I realize I don't want kids."

"We don't need to have kids, maybe we'll get a dog," he whispered. "Just don't end this, please, Drea."

I had considered staying or taking a short trip and coming back before I told Trevor, truly and honestly had. But when I booked the flight, I couldn't do the return fare. The thought of all the places to explore and dive lit a spark I hadn't felt since my first ocean dive in Mexico. I didn't feel that about moving in with Trevor, or when he brought up looking at houses or apartments, or when my friends would tease me that I'd be the next one engaged. He deserved a partner who cared more than I did and who wasn't scared of those dreams.

"Trev, I won't do that to you. I know you want a family and to teach your kids to play hockey and share your love of nature with them. You deserve that with someone who also wants it and who loves you with their whole heart."

"Drea, please. We love each other, and that's all I want." His voice shook, and he sniffled.

I pulled him into a hug, as seeing him like this gutted me. Despite our breakup, he was still my best friend, and I loved him more than anyone else. Just not in the way he dreamed of being loved.

"I'm sorry, Trev. I'm not the right person for you, but you'll find her. You're amazing."

"I don't want anyone else."