Consider Me Gone

Chapter 23.

Jax

I buried my best friend three days ago. As cliché as it sounds, I left part of myself in that coffin - a part I barely knew, a part I'll never see again. But on the other hand, Opie's death awakened a part of me I had long forgotten. One that I had given away long ago. Toni held that part of me, a part I didn't notice she held possession of until now. That's why I needed to let her know how hard I am trying not to cave under the weight of all the awful things I feel in my heart.

Sometimes I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, torn between my gut reactions and what I know is right. When I look at my day, I realize that most of it was spent cleaning up the damage of the day before. In that life I don't have a future, all I have is distraction and remorse.

In contrast, I remember my life with Toni. She was my best friend, a piece of my soul that I hadn't missed because I had Opie to fill the gap. But now that he is gone, I feel nothing but bitter rage eating at my heart.

I was angry when I realized that she hadn't shown up to Opie's wake. After everything we've been through and how involved she was with his family, it was like a knife to the heart to see that she bailed. Especially after I went through all that trouble to ensure that Opie was sent to her. I trusted her to save him, and even after she failed, she didn't even have the decency to pay her respects.

Tara told me that Toni was leaving town sooner than anticipated. Toni transferred all of her patient records to another doctor and has been collaborating with Margaret to find a replacement. According to Tara, Toni's sudden resignation has caused turmoil at the hospital, as her coworkers hurriedly search for someone to fill her position.

Tara appears upset that Toni is leaving, though I attributed her agitation to not wanting a new surgeon. Toni designed an effective treatment plan for Tara's hand injury, leading to notable improvement and a promising outlook. However, Tara's positive news was diminished upon learning she must now switch doctors despite her progress under Toni's care.

Tara doesn't say much about it, but I know she resents her. Toni is leaving and Tara is still here. A quest that I've failed twice now in two separate marriages. Losing Opie and being alone with my thoughts exposes to me how much I failed. There is no one to talk to anymore, I'm just left with wearing the mask of a happy man for my family and my club.

Even now as I ride along in the dark, with a location in mind, I still feel lost. I feel like I can confide in no one, and I know that my pain is drawing a wedge between me and Tara. This is the third night in a row that I have left our bed in the middle of the night. Usually, I go to the club and I sit on the roof like me and Opie used to do.

But tonight was different, tonight I impulsively made my way over to Toni's apartment. Originally, I had no intention of actually speaking with her, but I couldn't rest with the idea that she'd just abandon everyone like that. Especially Opie, whose children she'd looked after when he was inside. She was their Godmother before everything went to sh*t, and it's like she doesn't care anymore. Like she can't be bothered with us anymore.

I accepted Toni ignoring me for years because she was in the right. But now, I couldn't accept it, I couldn't accept her leaving this way. I deserved an explanation, I deserved a conversation, and I feel like she's ditching town to avoid giving it to me.

The more I thought about her, the more I boiled inside. Even as I climbed the fire escape to her apartment, I burned at the thought of seeing Mark there with her. Sleeping on my side while the woman who took my brother from me slept silently next to him.

But to my surprise, as I looked in her window, Toni was sleeping alone. Her window was open, something she would do even when we were married because she always claimed that she was hot and that the AC and fan weren't enough.

Her apartment was riddled with boxes everywhere, marked with black markers with words like KEEP, DONATE, and TRASH on them. I felt my eyes water at the sight because even though I knew she was moving, seeing it was completely different.

I walked into the apartment and looked around as Toni slept. I was surprised she hadn't woken up yet because she was a light sleeper, but I took the opportunity to snoop in her trash pile.

Immediately when I opened the box, I wished I hadn't as I saw dozens of things from our marriage. Pictures, souvenirs from those spontaneous trips to Vegas, and the white dress she had worn to our courthouse wedding.

Tears welled in my eyes as I realized that the only things she was throwing away, were everything that had to do with me. I emptied the box only to find her ring box at the very bottom. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I reached for the box and opened it. Upon realizing that it was the ring I gave her, I threw the box out of rage.

The small box hit the glass of water that was at her bedside and the glass tipped over. The water poured out on the floor and I rushed over so that the glass wouldn't break. Toni rustled in her sleep, and then her eyes barely opened to look at me.

"Jax?" she sounded groggy and far away. I assumed that she was too sleepy to function but then I noticed the sleeping pills on her nightstand. She used to give them to me when we were married because I couldn't sleep most nights. But now it seems that she couldn't either. I guess guilt does that to a person.

I sat beside her on the bed and looked at her as she slept. I touched her face and in that moment I began to weep as I watched her be so still. Her heart was still beating but I don't think I'd be able to handle the loss if it ever stopped.

Just like Opie, Toni held a part of me that anchored me to the ground. If she were to die, there would be nothing left tying me to my morality. I'd simply send Tara and the boys away so that they wouldn't witness the destruction of man.

I can hardly look at myself in the mirror now without seeing the blood or smelling the death. But oddly enough, I don't feel that here. I don't smell it, I don't see it, I can't even hear the screams. In Toni's presence, everything has seemingly drowned under the weight of her love, and I'm safe here...with her.

I stayed there until there was light in the sky, sitting at the edge of Toni's bed as she slept soundly. I only left because I knew she would wake soon, and I had no explanation as to why I was there.

So, as the sun came up I loomed over her and pressed my lips next to her ear. "Don't leave me," I whispered before leaving. I sighed as I slipped my kutte on and got out of the window I came. I felt clearer somehow, more alert than when I had come.

And with that new clarity, I realized something in there. Toni was the only thing stopping me from allowing the hate to fill my heart. She was the only thing stopping me from becoming obsessed with revenge. Because without my obsession, nothing was stopping me from coming after her too.

She owed me a life, and I intended to get it.