Consider Me Gone

Chapter 32.

Tara

I had sat with what Jax had said for a few days because I was hesitant to talk to Toni. I hadn't spoken to or seen her since her attack, and before he said something, I wasn't planning to. I had no idea what to say to her, and truth be told, I didn't feel like I was the best person to lean on for emotional support right now.

Another horrifying truth was that deep down, I didn't feel as bad for Toni as I should have. A part of me felt relieved to know that her seemingly "perfect" life was not so perfect after all, and that it was just as messed up as mine.

But of course, I couldn't let my husband in on that. Jax, for whatever reason, still cared about Toni. Even though she had shown him time and time again that she wanted nothing to do with him. It's like he thinks that if she approves of him as a friend, it will make up for all the times she didn't approve of him as a husband. I don't know if I would call it pathetic, but seeing such a strong man still begging for validation is pitiful.

This is why I took a couple of days to develop some words for Toni. Everything I came up with seemed fake and overly compassionate. Toni would see right through me, and I know she hadn't forgotten about my infamous last words to her.

We haven't had a real conversation with each other since I revealed how I really felt about her growing up. Up until now, we've only exchanged my medical plan since she was my doctor and short greetings when we bump into each other in hallways. But nothing has been the same between us since I smashed my hand.

I don't completely regret what I said, because it felt like I was finally standing up against someone in power. The little girl inside me felt vindicated and empowered by holding up the mirror of truth and forcing her to face it. Toni seemed to have it all back then, or at least more than the rest of us, but she never acknowledged it. It seemed like everything good that could have happened to her did, and even though she tried to act humble, she believed she was better than everyone else.

Jax always tried to make excuses for her back then, and would defend her to me, her best friend who knew more than he did! It was exhausting trying to make him see the truth all the time. I figured that it was his guilt eating him, or perhaps he was so used to toxic women because of his mother, that Toni felt like a step up for him.

I mean, she wouldn't even get his crow when he begged her! She just settled on this dumb little tattoo that was probably the size of a quarter. Jax tried to convince me that it didn't bother him because she tried to jazz it up by incorporating his initials, but it wasn't until he saw the real dedication on my lower back that he finally realized what I had been saying.

It's amazing how he's seemingly forgotten everything and is running to her aid like some tattoed superhero. I just want to shake him and wake him up from this nightmare. I want to tell him that we don't owe Toni anything and that Opie's death doesn't translate to Toni's importance.

But of course, even though I think these thoughts in my head, I'm terrified to tell Jax out loud. His grief for Opie is eating him and I know he's just looking for something familiar. The therapist mentioned that Jax's attachment style of grief is seeking proximity to Toni because she reminds him of his life before Opie's death. Toni symbolizes safety and consistency, which is why he wants to be close to her.

And since I don't feel comfortable with the thought of Jax and Toni rekindling anything, I will have to be okay with being his little messenger for now. It's not my favorite thing to do, but if it helps keep Jax happy and at home, I'm willing to do it. I feel like I'm taking care of him by handling this situation.

So, against my better judgment, I lightly tapped on Toni's door and entered only when I heard a soft response. She was packing when I entered the room, and my eyebrows slightly raised in surprise, because I hadn't been made aware that she was getting discharged today.