FIRST LOVE

Chapter 19

My heart was thumping so hard and I felt like blood was rushing in my ears. My body was flooded with so many different emotions all at the same time. I felt anger, betrayal, hurt, sick, frustration but most of all disappointment. I harshly pulled my hand away and bit back a yelp when a shocking pain was felt through my arm.

"We have nothing to say to each other Deon!" I spat out.

The mere mention of his name was enough to make me want to rip out my tongue and never speak again. I was amazed at how much hatred was pooling out from me. He was making me into someone I wasn't and I hated him even more.

"Look, I don't know what's going on but I do know we need to talk."

"No! We don't! You've said enough and done way too much in my life."

"Lillian could you just stop for a minute! I didn't do whatever it is that you think I did!"

I ignored him as my body was being taken over by the hatred spirit and words just burst from within me, unstoppable and undeniable.

"How could you do this to me after everything I've been through? You know the kind of girl I was and how my image meant everything to me but yet you just used and misused me. Am I that much of a threat to you? Do you need to ruin the lives of every girl you meet just so you can uphold your bad boy rep? I never did anything bad to you. I never did you wrong or pretended to be someone I was not. All I did was give myself to you. All I did was trust you not to hurt me and what did you do?!"

I paused as I tried to get my breathing under control and wiped vigorously at my tears.

"Lillian you don't understand!" Deon interjected, trying to calm me down.

He stepped closer to me and I instinctively backed up, but I wasn't done. I stared angrily at him and continued my angry rant.

"What did you do, huh?! You used me! You made me feel special one moment and then the next? The next, you slander my name and try to make me as a whore. I'm not a whore Deon! I'm not like all the other girls you had the pleasure of ruining and do you know why?!"

"Lillian..." He tried to once again calm me down but I was invincible.

"It's because I'm not weak. Yes I'm hurt and I feel betrayed but most of all I'm disappointed! I'm disappointed that you turned out to be exactly who I feared you would be and yes I was stupid to have hope. Yes I was naive and thought that you would change for me because I was different than the other girls and yes I was stupid enough to think that the good in me might rub off on you but did it? No! You're exactly what everyone else made you out to be. You're manipulative, egotistical, diabolical and above all you're the devil himself. You just came to kill, steal and destroy every girl's hopes and dreams and break their hearts into tiny little pieces. So no, I'm not going to wish you a lifetime of misery. I'm going to wish you well but hear me Deon, because of you I will never love again. Because of you I will never allow myself to fall pray to a man's plots and schemes."

I stopped and sucked in air as I was left deflated and then I turned to leave. He just stood there as I ranted, not saying a word but just allowing me to get my point across. I wanted him to stop me, I wanted him to fight for us and our honor, to make me believe that what I heard wasn't the truth but at the same time I hated him. I never wanted to see him again and I never wanted him in my life. I turned back and stared him dead in the eyes.

"I hate you Deon Ambrose, now and forever." With that said I ran past him, head and heart towards the ground, never stopping until I was at my brother's car.

I pulled the door open, got in, put on my seatbelt then dropped my head in hands as I cried. Even though my brother was angry and disappointed with me he was still my brother and he never saw me cry. Well except for Friday night.

"Lillian?" He said softly.

I wanted to look up at him and blurt out how I was feeling and how I hated my life but I couldn't. My body was overwhelmed with small tremors and my voice was literally gone.

"Lillian please talk to me. I'm really worried about you..." He paused. "Did someone say something to you?"

When I didn't respond he continued. "Did mom say something to you?

I shook my head and tried to ease his burden. I felt a strong hand on my shoulders and that silent comfort of his was enough to make me cry even harder. Shane unbuckled my seatbelt and awkwardly engulfed me in a hug. I buried my head in his shoulders and we just sat there until my crying subsided. When he was positive that I was done he pulled away and silently drove off. We arrived at his apartment shortly after and he walked quietly besides me. When we entered he stopped me.

"Look, Lillian-" he raked a hand through his hair before looking me squarely in the eyes.

"I'm your big brother and I'll always love you but... I'd be lying if I say I wasn't disappointed."

"I know..."

"No, you don't. I feel partially responsible because I was the one that took you to that party and I was the one that convinced you to break the rules."

I looked up at him with raised eyebrows when I realized what he meant.

"Shane, I didn't have sex at the party."

"You didn't?!"

I shook my head.

"Look it doesn't matter. The main fact is that I feel responsible and I hate when I can't protect you."

"I know and I'm sorry. I promise I'll never ever do anything that'll make you hate me." I dropped my head and wrapped my arms around myself. Shane placed his hand on my shoulder and the other under my chin.

"Hey." He said raising my head to meet his eyes. "You're my sister and no matter what you do or say nothing is going to change that."

I nodded as fresh tears pooled from my eyes.

"I'll always love you even if I don't say or show it okay?!"

"Okay."

We shared one last hug before he sauntered off to his room, leaving me to my own devises.