Say When

S E V E N T E E N

All the resolve I had on the train ride over seeped out of me. I stood at the end of the hallway, shrouded in a stairway that offered a clear view of Jax's door. I peeked my head slightly forward. It was the middle of the day. Only a few people lingered around. Most were in class. A room door opened and I jumped back into the stairwell.

I wanted to bolt. I couldn't keep following these stupid impulses. But he shifted something in me. That part that was dutiful, quiet and low fuss was shrinking into the depths. This brazen girl who felt things and acted on them scared the shit out of me. But she was here, whether I liked it or not. I just had to figure out what to do with her.

I risked sticking my head out again. I did so just in time to see a girl wrapped in a towel disappear into the co-ed bathroom. I could not stay here forever. If he'd responded I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to be the crazy girl traveling across the city to knock on his door on a breezy Friday morning.

I checked my phone one more time. No messages. Tears rushed to the corners of my eyes.

"Excuse me." A voice sounded from behind me. I jumped and my phone crashed to the floor. Facedown. That was never good. I looked back to see a boy, probably just a bit older than me, wiry brown hair cut short with green eyes. Green eyes that looked annoyed with me. I was blocking the doorway.

"Sorry." I stepped out of the way and he passed by. I wiped my eyes and bent down to pick up my phone. I picked it up but didn't turn it over, slipping it into my pocket. I waited until he'd shut the door to the room adjacent to Jax's before I entered the hallway.

I moved forward too fast, tripping slightly over my sneakers. Now that I'd committed to actually doing this my body wanted to get in motion as quickly as it could. I was in front of his door, hand knocking rapidly before my brain had a chance to catch up.

I shoved my hands in my pocket afraid they'd keep on knocking if I didn't. My stomach was in my throat. My hands shook. I heard the creak of a door opening and held my breath. But it wasn't Jax's door. The same green-eyed boy was now leaving his dorm room. I kept my eyes trained on the door in front of me as he locked up.

"I think I saw him across campus. Memorial Hall."

"Huh?"

"Jax. He's not there."

"Oh, ok. Thanks." I took off down the hall but stopped. "Where did you say?"

"Memorial Hall. About 10 minutes that way." He pointed in a general direction. I mumbled thanks to him again before hitting the stairs.

I was out of the door and walking along the tree-lined paths. I felt out of place. My anxiety whispered to me that everyone knew. I was a sad high school girl tracking down a college boy who'd loved and left her. It was all over me. Perched on my shoulders like a stone gargoyle of desperation.

I kept my head down, making several wrong turns before I found the building. People were milling about, going in and out of the large brown and beige brick building with its sweeping cathedral windows. Smiling. Laughing.

That's the thing that always bothered me about life. In the same moment, one person can be experiencing a typical day while others may be struggling through the worst moment of their life. It didn't seem natural for the two to exist simultaneously.

I sat out front. It only occurred to me now that I probably wouldn't be able to access the building without coming in contact with security. So, I waited. Eyes trained on the entrance.

"Bridget?" Just like in the beginning, he came onto the scene out of nowhere. He was behind me. I remained seated. Momentarily frozen.

"Bridget, what are you doing here?"