i am not a replacement

Chap21(out of my hand )

I apologize for the long chapters...but this is also one of them

still, I hope you like it

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"Remember when dad said that I was now the pillar of the house? " Joshua asked me and I nodded

We were both in my room just chatting about anything and everything after we both came from work, then this question popped out of nowhere

"then you should let me know what Is bothering you, I will hold the ceiling so it doesn't fall on you just so you can sleep soundly, Amanda "

I smiled at that and got closer to him hugging him "I know you would, and I love you for that and everything else ..but I'm fine "

"I don't like that 'but' part"

"josh i-"

"you went to Peter yesterday" he stated before holding me from both of my shoulders and looking straight into my eyes with his sad ones ...more than just sad ..worried and fearful ..." you never go to Peter, Amanda, you just call him and send him severe cases, now you went to him and you expect me to just stand still and silent? since this man came here and stayed with us, you changed so drastically .. have you lived the past five years this way? ..crying and running? "

"no, I haven't lived that way ..and I am not fine " I held my hand up close to his face; pushing the gap  between his eyebrows with my finger; taking his frown away

"Aman-"

"I lied to myself the same way he did and maybe worse .. I think I liked him Joshua ..but I played myself and tortured it on my own, no one was able to hurt me as much as my own self and I didn't realize it "

"so you like him? that's why you choose to divorce? "

"I don't know why I chose to divorce anymore, knowing this one hidden fact has messed with my mind and everything I once believed in .. now they're all just  assumptions that I need to check their credibility ..but the way I lived after divorce, now that I went back on it as if it was a patient's life, I realized that the whole pattern is just revenge on my own self .. I think I divorced to spite my own self because I liked a man I should have never liked ...and I was almost able to convince my own mind that Edwin was just the man for me, no matter who he turned out to be, he was the first and last love, and fate brought us together somehow.."

"that day ..the day we met ...if it wasn't for the ring on Henry's finger, I would've never considered Edwin back as a lover, he would've just been a friend and none of this would have happened, I wouldn't have ruined his and Madeline's lives and made them feel sorry and guilty towards me and I wouldn't have messed with the ties between  him and his father i- .. I hurt so many, Joshua..."

"you've only hurt yourself, Amanda "

"no..no, I did hurt them, I –"

"you saved Madeline from my confusion and when she told you about her and Edwin, you didn't blame her nor try to take Edwin by force from her just to spite the two of them and to prove to yourself that you like him ..you didn't do that ..you left the scene just like that so they can be at ease and that was so nice and brave of you to do ..you helped me and Vic, you made our parents happy, and you got closer to Louis again .." his hand reached my face and wiped the falling tears that I couldn't wipe on my own, feeling numb all over

"if you didn't divorce, I wouldn't be able to see you still ..and I would spend my whole life after Vic and not win her over; not knowing what to do and what she wants from me... Edwin would have still been stuck to the idea of loving you and would've pushed away every single girl in his life refusing to love and settle ...there are so many good things that came out of this one divorce Amanda, even if it was with some messed up and bad intentions but it turned out to be beneficial for every single person that was around you .."