The Healing Ranch

Chapter 33

Tate swallowed hard as he walked out of the barn with Cole. He saw the familiar vehicle that Jake used to drive sitting out front and his stomach flipped with dread.

"I don't know if I can do this man." His voice came out as a whisper, even though he was trying to convince himself to stay strong.

"I know you can. What you need to understand is that everyone is behind you. We all have your back. We've had it all along but you just didn't realize that." Cole squeezed his shoulder and Tate nodded.

"I know but... those memories almost killed me. I ain't lookin forward to starin them right in the face." His mind flashed back to the nightmares he had had over and over again after Jake's death. Remembering the fights his family when he came home and the way Adele had refused to acknowledge him. Remembering how finally, he just stopped coming home even though the memories never stopped coming. Remembering trying to drown those memories with alcohol and finally trying to take his own life, more than once, because he just didn't see why he should survive when his brother was dead.

"Yeah. But an angel came and saved you. You ain't like you were back then. Remember that." With one last squeeze, Cole let go of his shoulder and nudged him towards the house. The angel comment made Tate think of Megan and suddenly he needed her more than anything.

"I need Megan. Or I need a whiskey." Cole laughed a short, sarcastic laugh.

"No man. You need to man up and face your demons. Don't let Megan take the brunt of your pain. It's time you learn to lean on your family too instead of her. Your whole family needs this Tate. They haven't so much as whispered Jake's name since the accident and it's been weighing on them mighty heavy. This is your chance to make things right since you are so bound and determined that you did something so wrong." Tate didn't reply to that. He just squared his shoulders and forced himself up the porch steps. The voices inside faded as he stepped inside and he walked slowly to the living room. As he got there a black haired woman stood up. He immediately recognized Adele, even though pain and time had caused more wrinkles and had stolen some of her youthfulness away. She was still the same tall, elegant, beautiful woman she had always been and he felt his throat close up at the thought of the pain she had endured because of him.

"Oh Tate." She had a deeper voice than the other women in his family, one that had a sort of husky timber to it, made worse by her emotion. He felt his knees want to buckle and then, amazingly she was there holding him up. They clung to each other and Tate finally let go of everything he had held inside of him since he had last seen her at Jake's funeral. He sobbed into her shoulder for everything he had lost, and for everything he had taken away from her. He felt her shaking too, as they held each other tight, keeping one another standing upright.

"I'm so sorry. I am so sorry." He whispered over and over again through his tears. The words came out garbled as he choked them out, but he couldn't stop repeating the phrase over and over even though he knew no apology would ever make up for what he did. Finally, she pulled back and cupped his face, looking deep into his eyes.

"I know you are Tate. I know. And I'm sorry too. I was just so caught up in my own grief that..." She closed her big brown eyes in pain before opening them again. "That I forgot you were grieving too. You lost your big brother to unimaginable circumstances. And I see now how wrong it was of me to want to fight for you to be imprisoned."

"But maybe it would have been better. Maybe I deserved it." He voiced the thoughts that had followed him ever since he had walked out of that court room, declared not guilty in the eyes of the law.

"No Tate. Trust me when I say it would have been a lot worse. But I just forgot that God is always with us. That He was there guiding that judge's decision." Her words cut Tate down to the core again and a fresh wave of tears started up. He held them back as he bit his lip and finally got the strength to speak again.