The Bright Side of Darkness

Four

{TW: STRONG MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES; PLEASE BE ADVISED. SKIP TO AUTHOR'S NOTE FOR RECAP BEFORE MOVING ON IF YOU CANNOT READ}

If I needed more proof that coming to school was a bad idea, my time in the cafeteria would be all I need. Emori left my side a little while ago, and even though I'm sure she was probably just going to say 'hi' to an old friend, it was annoying. She asked me to have lunch with her. And then she left.

Most of the guys are too busy to talk to me. I can hear Travis's loud laughter as someone else joins in. I'm not a part of their conversation, as usual.

I hope Emori will come back. No matter how many people are around me, it's still as if I'm the only person in the room. Even when I could still see, I always felt so alone. That's what it's like to be popular. Everyone knows who you are, but no one gets close to you because they enjoy your company. They just want your status. Sure, a few people are good friends to me, but I still feel so alone. Like I'm not allowed to have any issues. Even when my parents' marriage felt like it was falling apart a few years ago, I had to pretend it wasn't.

Losing Gavin to the accident wasn't the worst part. What came after was. All of this is the direct result of... well, anger issues and depression. My therapist told me it's survivor's guilt. The stress of wanting to conform to the views of our community even though I have no clue what I want to do anymore. Any plan I had for myself no longer exists.

So many people are around me, yet no one knows what I'm going through. They hear about it, but they don't know. The NFL is out, and I lost my college scholarship because I can't play football anymore. Without it, I'm not even sure I can afford to go to college. Gavin was my biggest supporter, the one who taught me everything there is to know about football. Everything that made me fall in love with the sport. And now he's gone, and so is the chance of achieving my dreams.

The sounds of laughter and conversation fade away, replaced by a dull buzz in my ears. Blood pounds in the back of my mind and my heart thuds in my chest. My hands shake. My feet tingle. I need to get away. I can't stay in the cafeteria any longer. But if I leave, the others will notice, someone will follow me, and I'll say something I don't mean. Then I'll have no one left. They'll hate me.

My breathing is shallow as I fight back tears. I can't cry. Not here. My throat is so dry, it feels like my tongue is made of cotton. And why can't I breathe? Oh, God, I need to breathe. I swallow as bile rises in my throat and my legs begin to tremble.

I need to get out of here. The only issue is whether I can sneak away or manage to get to the door without falling.

Fuck it. They're too busy to pay attention to me. I stagger forward with my hand raised to help myself, hoping I don't run into anyone or walk into a table.

But before I can clear the tables, my knee smacks off one of the chairs, and I crash to the ground. I pull my leg to my chest and groan. The cafeteria is quiet now, and I hate it. I hate that people can't pass up the chance for gossip.